PERMISSION
This is the beginning. The epic start of my journey with Jesus, the redeemer of my soul and lover of my heart. Month three of the world race Gap Year is fully on its way, and honestly, it is developing into one of the hardest and most rewarding things I have ever done. Waking up at 6 every morning and traveling to Antigua’s Cerebral Palsy Hospital has been my life for the last week and a half, and I am ecstatic to share where God has brought me.
I was worried to begin this next ministry because the work is intensely heavy on my heart. Working with children and adults afflicted by Cerebral Palsy has proved to be a difficult and sacrificial service. They are bound to wheelchairs, and most all have seemingly lost mental capability (at least in speaking). They respond mostly to touch and sometimes smiles. However, I love starring into their eyes and imagining the powerful connection they might have with God. Now, through this great struggle in a new ministry, God has opened up the perfect opportunity to die to myself, and actually work on much more than just a struggle with service.
As many of you know I gave up some major things for this month, that have been false comforts over God. One of them being wifi. I chose to give this to God so I could remain focused on Gods plan for me here, rather than being distracted by thoughts of college or going home.
Now let’s get to the good stuff. As it appears, it hasn’t only been a week and a half of fasting for ministry, but God has more importantly opened my heart to things I never believed possible before.
Some of you know, but many do not. In my past I was sexual abused for many years. After sex was wrongly forced into my life at such a young age, the rest of my life has been a major sexual battle. Questions of my identity, questions of the Lords sovereignty, and questions of my purpose in life. I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t heal me. The only thing I knew and know now, is that every day I wake up, this thorn reminds me of God. Even though it kills me that I have it.
My core desire in this life is to be undeniably, unfathomable, indescribably in love with God. I make it a major part of each day to pray for this. However, I learned this week that my prayer to make Jesus my all has been false in my heart, and I have been loving sex more than I love Jesus. Yes I denied saying it, and I think I even believed that I loved God more than anything in my mind, but it’s not true. This is where it gets crazy profound.
God knows that I have been naively and selfishly praying for healing because I want to have a great wife, settle down and have some kids, and then life will start to be perfect. After this happens I can go on loving God more than anything, and it will be like the pain never existed. But I am learning on the race that God gives us what we need, not what we want. If I am instantly healed, why would I need God anymore?
I am proud to say that I, Bryan Noll, am giving PERMISSION to Jesus for the first time in my life! Its not about how crummy life can be, or the deep and agonizing pain we face. It’s about Gods redemption, faithfulness, and glory that he has in our lives. God allows me to continue battling with this thorn because, if I don’t fight for God now, why would I fight for him in the future? Making God our everything doesn’t just come naturally, we have to want it.
I will tell you now, my beloved friends and family. I will fight and pray against this sin, because the amount of strength, time, discipline, and dependence it will take to begin pursuing God in the most passionate way ever imaginable, might just take a thorn such as this to keep my eyes on the true prize and lover of my soul.
Amen!
