Every girl is taught by culture to work for beauty…most people aren’t just naturally beautiful and us ladies, we need to stay on top of things to stay beautiful.
Self-esteem and body image are things I have struggled with since I was a child and, as I got older and my body matured, these issues grew worse. In middle school and high school, I would stare at myself in the mirror, and try to find things to change.
If I had less stomach and more chest…then I would be beautiful. One eyebrow is a little higher than the other, and if I could fix that, I would be beautiful. Also, if I was able to wear contacts instead of glasses, I would be beautiful. Ugh. I can pinch the fat on my legs with my hands! Is that CELLULITE?!?! Oh my gosh. I HAVE to start exercising! And maybe I should eat better too. No more cookies. THEN, I will be beautiful.
This progressed and progressed, until I stopped eating. I thought I was too fat to eat, and if I didn’t eat, I would eventually get to a place where I would be beautiful…I just needed to lose 10 pounds. Basically my whole freshman year of high school, I would skip breakfast and lunch because my parents wouldn’t find out since I was in school. When dinner came around, I would eat it, and then silently throw most of it up in the bathroom. After a few days of this, when my body started feeling too weak for me to get by, I would begrudgingly eat something without throwing up, just for energy. Hearing my stomach growl, and having pangs of hunger gave me a sense of accomplishment because it meant I was getting thinner.
When I saw someone taller and thinner than I was, I fell into the trap of comparison…and I could never shake off the times where people told me I could stand to lose weight, and that I would definitely never be a model with my figure.
My parents tried to tell me I was beautiful, and that I didn’t need to be thinner. In desperation one day, my dad looked at me and said, “You don’t need to lose ANY weight, you’re already so small! ” Friends said I was too skinny, and that I was beautiful without trying to change my body. It never mattered what the people around me said…. I didn’t believe them. Eventually I started to eat normally again, but it didn’t change the way I viewed myself.
After I became a Christian and God captured my heart, I started learning about my identity in Christ, and my self-image started to shift a little. Some days I would feel absolutely gorgeous…and other days, I just knew I was hideous, and would never be beautiful enough.
Learning about my identity and my worth in the Lord has been, and will continue to be a process. Over the past six years since becoming a Christian, I have gained confidence in who I am in Christ, and have learned that God says I am beautiful. I work to focus on what God says about me and not what the world says. As much progress as I have made, and as much as God has transformed my heart, I have still struggled with seeing myself as beautiful. I know God says I am beautiful, but I don’t always see myself that way.
Since we have been in Europe, we have had more of a variety in what foods we can eat. It has been a pretty big transition from African porridge, mud sandwiches, rice and beans, and soya, and let me just say, I am thankful. But as every woman knows, when our eating habits change, so do our bodies. For the past week or so, I had not been feeling unhealthy, but less beautiful. After eating, I would feel bloated and gross, and though I never said anything to my teammates about it, I would mentally tear myself down. I even started pinching the little bit of fat on my stomach, and thought about doing some abdomen exercises for a more “toned” look. One night after dinner, a teammate laid hands on my stomach to pray over my acid reflux issue, and instead of agreeing with her in prayer, I started feeling overly self-conscious. I felt ashamed.
After a few days, I decided I needed to take this issue to the Lord:
God, I don’t feel beautiful. I feel ashamed of my body. I know you say I am captivating, but I sure don’t feel like it.
Papa God immediately responded to me…. it was clear He had been waiting for me to talk to Him about this. J
You aren’t taking care of your body. This makes you feel less beautiful only because you believe a lie about beauty. You believe that beauty is based on physical appearance. Your body is beautiful, but that is constant. When your body changes because of your eating, it is not attached at all to your beauty, but to your health. Exercise changes your health, not your beauty. The lie is that beauty is attached to hairstyles, clothing, body figure, weight, how toned/not toned you are. But beauty is upon you and in you. It is a constant, though those other things change. Beauty is neither associated with nor dependent on any of these things. So you are feeling ugly and fat and not beautiful, but shouldn’t feel that way at all. You really should just desire to love your body better by treating it better with sleep, exercise, and eating habits, and by believing and treating it like the beautiful body it is. Love your body better, and love yourself better. Culture and people push that health and beauty are related. Think about ‘Health and Beauty’ sections is magazines, stores, on TV, etc. Health and beauty are NOT related. They are two independent topics and they can both stand on their own. Food is a bondage to you because you believe food changes your beauty. Food doesn’t change your beauty, but your health! Don’t live life based on your feelings because they will lead you astray. Your beauty is not a feeling, it is a truth.
I love it when God takes something that is SO incredibly complicated to us, and shows us the reality of how simple it actually is! God traded a lie I had believed for so long for His truth, and I have the ability to choose to believe His truth or a lie, everyday for the rest of my life. I always want to choose His truth.
I am sharing this because I know I am not the only woman who has ever struggled with seeing her own beauty. Maybe you didn’t have an eating disorder, but you probably have examined your body and thought about what you wish looked “better”. You have probably felt guilty about eating something, or have avoided eating something solely because it might cause you to gain weight, which will detract from your beauty in some way. Maybe you wear makeup because without it, you don’t feel beautiful, or maybe you dress a certain way because if you don’t you won’t feel beautiful. The thing is, none of this is true. God made you absolutely, captivatingly beautiful, and there isn’t a thing you can do to change it. You can’t eat too much, gain too much weight, have too many facial blemishes, or anything else that will subtract from your beauty. On the flip side, you can’t lose enough weight, wear cute enough clothing, put on enough make up, or work out enough to ever add to your beauty. Your beauty is not based on whether or not you feel beautiful, but it is based on what the Creator of heaven and earth says about you…and when He breathed you into existence, He spoke beauty into every part of your being. You have a beautiful heart, soul and body not because of what you do or how you look, but because God fashioned you in beauty.
As I am learning more about this myself, I want to challenge you to think/pray about how you view yourself, and if it really lines up with what God says. If it doesn’t, surrender the lies to God and line your thoughts up with His truth.
Embrace your beauty!
