It’s been a month. I’ve been home for exactly a month now. I thought re-entry would be harder than what I experienced. I didn’t expect life off the field to come so easily.
Then when I thought I may have accepted it, easy stopped.
That’s when I realized how much I missed the people who drove me crazy but also pushed me and challenged me in my walk with Jesus. That’s when I realized that long awaited time alone was harder to accept now that it was here. That’s when Satan’s lies began creeping upon me and schedules started overwhelming me and lack of community became distressing to me.
The Race, with all it’s spontaneity and unknown, had become normal. I had learned to adapt to whatever the day turned into. Now I have a schedule. I know what most the day is going to look like, and I feel more lost than I ever did at anytime in eleven months of traveling the world.
Then there are the lies that sound oh so true. I don’t know which is worse- believing a lie because you are unaware of the truth or hearing a lie, knowing the truth, yet still feeling the pain of what the lie is trying to make you believe. “My worth was settled at the cross.” A truth oft quoted on my squad still rings in my ears as I struggle. I believe and know it is true. I know my God, and I know His love. It is deep, intense, and beautiful. Yet I am still struggling. I struggle with seeing my squadmates walking in their anointing while I have not. I struggle with seeing adventure around me but not knowing how to taste it again. I struggle with post Race body image even though I know there’s really no need (and I never cared before).
The time thing you would think would be easy. In all the craziness of the World Race I usually had time to stop and sit with God (except maybe travel days). Now I have hours upon hours that I don’t even have to look for to spend with Him, yet I find myself filling it with stuff. Some of it is useful and some of it not so much. Why?! Why, would I choose something else over time with my Lord, my Father, my Beloved? The lack of Truth in my life has only added to the stress of the lies. Though, I know they are untrue I have no strength or tools to fight them.
All of this comes on the heels of one of the most amazing experiences ever, and I can’t help but think of Jesus. The day after He was baptized the Spirit led Him into the desert where He fasted forty days and then was attacked in everything He knew was true. Jesus, after one of His great experiences, also struggled. He came through without failing. That is comforting to know as I know He is also walking me through this desert. That doesn’t make it feel any easier or the struggles any less real, but at least I know I am not completely alone.
Every lesson I learned on the World Race has been attacked in some way in the last week, and I could certainly use prayer.
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I don’t have a feel good ending to this post, just a word to future/current Racers. Re-entry does not look like a certain thing. You will hear stories; each one is different. The advice I have for you is set your eyes upon Christ, and when you do get stuck in the mud (trust me, it will happen) look back at Him. He is the one that can cause you to walk on water; He will get you out of the mud.
