It has been a long day. I am currently sitting in a Bolivian hostel (yes hostel, if you don´t know what it is look it up, pretty cool) trying to still process this day of processing and the whole week really.
J-squad has made it through month number one and for the past couple of days have been experiencing this wonderful event called debrief. What is debrief you ask? Only the best four days of story swapping, processing, exploring, having adventures, and being together as a squad. As amazing as this time has been, it is also hard.
For me personally the hard stuff started when we landed in Miami for a sixteen hour layover. There I got the information that my grandpa (Umpa) was not doing well, and was not expected to make it through the weekend. That was devestating to me, but I was so blessed to have my squadmates right there. As they came around me and prayed I knew that I was in a safe place filled with love.
Though the next couple days were hard and I had moments of tears, God also gave many little blessings throughout each day. Trips to market, conversation with people, mini-apples, amazing tomato soup, beautiful worship, and a fantastic adventure to the top of a snow-capped mountain (final elevation came out to aproximately 17,500 ft above sea level) to name a few.
That brings me to today. Again, where do I start?
Today our team had our debrief. We had a bit of a rough month so, in a sense, this was a bit of a messy debrief. It was very overwhelming to me as I listened to everybody share. I tend to pick up other people´s emotions and feel them myself. When it came time for me to share I just word vomitted about how I was feeling right then and then tried to find the right words to describe the month. It was good but heavy. I definitely needed to sit alone with God after that. Usually I journal but God had a different idea- music and candy, for seriously that´s what I did and well, God brought things into perspective through that.
After a good time processing I was able to go out with a lovely lady from my squad and get ¨lost¨ in La Paz. Fun times. We made it back just in time 🙂
Next came a one-on-one meeting with one of my squad mentors, Mary-Ellen. She is so amazing. So many of the things we talked about ended up being great points in which I can grow, and she really encouraged me in those directions. She challenged me to open up to my team and speak up. She certainly is like my WR mom and I love her very much! Of course after that I needed another hour of processing and journaling. It was really good stuff.
About twenty minutes later I received the news that Umpa had passed away this morning. That was hard. I had already placed the whole situation in God´s hands on Thursday and again Friday, but that didn´t make it hurt any less. Once again my squad family came around me and showered me with hugs, prayers, and so much encouragement. The amount of love and support I have received from them surpasses what I had ever imagined. Once I let other family and friends know it was time for some more processing…more like crying and allowing God to hold me close.
It was a super long day.
There comes a point when I just don´t want to process anymore and you know what, God and I talked and He said that´s okay. It´s okay to need interaction with people. It´s okay to take a break and play a game of Uno with a beautiful squadmate. It´s okay to cry and mourn and then laugh with friends over a quesadilla and chips. It is okay, but there is a time and season for everything. I just have to be open to God´s timing, because I know it is best. I´m seeing that here and now. This is the best place for me to mourn the loss of my Umpa. I do wish I could be with my family through this, but this is where God has placed me, and this is where Umpa would want me to stay.
Celebration shall come through the mourning!
Through Christ,
Brooke
PostScript- I have been so blessed in this time. Three squdmates brought me back supper, and it included an apple, a Gala apple! and Banana chips. God uses the little things.
