So let me preference this by saying that this is not one of those rose water and gum drops kind of blog. I’ve warned you. I am a firm believer in seeing both sides of the spectrum. This is not some drink the Kool-Aid cult kind of journey. At some point on the race you will be faced with chest crushing, suffocating kind of….something. I don’t know how to explain it. Most alum will tell you that it happens around month 5 or so. Well for me it happened the first month and hasn’t stopped yet. Let me explain.
Right now, I am in a spiritual warfare physically and emotionally. To tell the truth, our whole squad is being ravished by much of the same. Physically, sickness has come back and come back pretty strong but a few meds and that will be taken care of. The bigger for me would be the emotional battle that the enemy is waging. I feel so disconnected from those around me. If you know me or ask someone that does, I’m a very relational person. That’s just the way God made me. I love people and people love me. But for some reason, that has been a struggle on this race. I don’t know why this weighs so heavy on my heart but it does.
Of course, as we all do, there are past issues that I must deal with but there are also real and relevant things that just happens. Let’s not confuse the two. Everyone is growing and learning so mistakes will be made by all. The physical things that happen on the race and your own past issues are two different things. It’s easy to sweep it all under one rug but they shouldn’t be. They don’t mix well.
If I’m completely honest, I feel like I have no control what-so-ever and I don’t like it. To top it all off, I blew up and reacted from what the enemy was throwing at me. I let the enemy in. But The Lord encouraged me that He would never leave me nor forsake me, reassured me that HE isn’t hours away, gave me grace and then a stiff kick. Why are you here? Why did I hand pick the squad and route for you? (There’s a pretty awesome back story there) What purpose have I called you? Focus. Something crazy happened. My circumstances haven’t changed but I began to seek Him for my focus and my heart hurts a little less.
I don’t have the answers to all of those questions yet (he’s given me some) but I have full confidence He will deliver me from the snare the enemy sets. He will shed light and refocus me.
I was reminded by my dad that Job’s deliverance didn’t come in a matter of seconds but He was determined not to lose focus, not to take his eyes from His Creator, His Deliverer. Though, I don’t have all the answers, though my heart hurts, though the sting of past issues loom and the threat of loneliness taunts me, “Yet will I trust You.”
Brooke
P.S. No, nothing is vastly wrong, lol. I just decided to be transparent. The struggle is real and if more were honest with themselves, at some point they’ve felt the same way with different words. The breaking process is never fun thing.
