**I"m still processing, so this may sound a little scatter brained, lol***
Insecure, alone, unrelatable, fake, worthless, victim….lies.
I know (to whomever reads this) that you've probably scoured blogs looking for insight about training camp. Probably looking for fun stories and bonding moments, secrets and mysteries that camp brings. Well, ladies and gents, there's another side to Camp. I have plenty of funny stories, plenty of bonding moments, and a secret of two but most of camp for me was blood, sweat and tears. Lots and lots of tears. I know it sounds like I'm being a Debbie Downer but I want you to know that it's highly possible that camp gets messy. Allow me to tell you a story of that one time "at Training Camp" I had open heart surgery in the middle of the woods.
I came into camp just as excited as anyone else. I was pumped about meeting my squad, unsure about what exactly was going to happen and expecting God to show up. But I wasn't prepared that He'd show up with a scalpel. Our loving Father did a number on my heart this week. So much so, that I felt like I was in a daze. It felt like a bad dream. It seemed all of my insecurities came bubbling up to the surface and I couldn't mask them quick enough. Some things I thought I dealt with, only to find that I had buried them deep. This week I didn't have it all together as I usually do, I was open and everyone could see. It's something about ppl seeing your filth that you really don't want to look them in the face anymore. Then I began to pull away and isolate myself. Satan fed me MORE lies and the battle continued. But the crazy thing is, the faces were so forgiving and loving, understanding and warring for me. I'm not used to ppl loving me in spite of my mess. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I've done a great job at keeping up my mask that I forget that it 's there. These ppl loved me right through it, peeled it away and told me I was beautiful, that I didn't have to hide anymore. The weight of it still brings me to tears.
A lot happened at camp but the most memorable for me, is that some where, probably tacked to a tree, is the mask I used to wear. I think I'll leave it there for future racers to see. I hope it serves as a reminder that He loves us so deeply, He's willing to risk a little surgery.
…to be continued.
