"…..Don't worry Brookie…..He'll catch you."
This is what I kept telling myself as I was hyperventilating. My life was going in circles and colliding into burst of thunder and lightning.
I felt that God was telling me to move. Where? I had no clue at the time. I obeyed and started taking things off of the walls….but that's as far as I got. I began to panic. I like having control of me. I always have. Even with God, I wanted know every detail so that I could "plan" and do what was needed to keep my life in order. I've never really known this until the hardest 3 weeks of my life came. It wasn't the hardest bc of difficulty, even though there was plenty of that, it was bc my will for control was being broken. It was an emotional roller coaster and I couldn't see the next turn, swivel, dip, or drop. He left me completely in the dark.
The dark is a dangerous place. Filled with endless uncertainty, fear, anxiety and what's worse, no control. I had to completely trust Him. I thought I had in the past but He saw there was a place I hadn't handed over.
So, after endless attempts and failures. I was homeless. I had 2 wks to find a place and nothing was certain. I tried every possible avenue to stay in Dallas to no avail. I called missionary furlough homes, orgs, churches, family and friends. "There was no room for me in the inn" HA. The hotels were too expensive and roommate situations weren't working out. I began to feel bitterness toward those that could help me but didn't and I began to feel alone and abandoned. Orphaned in my own town. I hold back tears even as I write this.
I leave town today. I have a couple of Interviews in Milwaukee. Through kindness, encouragement, and prayer , I may have a place to stay. It's completely out of my comfort zone, as "I am the master of my own ship",I'll have to rely on the grace of strangers but it will be good for me. I'm glad this was a short lesson bc I didn't know how much more I could take, lol. God pushed me to the end of myself, literally, so that I could trust wholey on Him. Not the cute-I've-lived-in-church-all-my-life-that's-what-good-Christians-do-&-amen mask I was giving. But serious, whole hearteded, undeniable trust. I've struggled with trust most of my life but we'll save that for another post.
The point of the story: If I suceed, amen, if I perish amen. If I end up in a homeless shelter, to God be all glory (I'll start my mission work early :), if I end up in kalamazoo, New York or DC, To God be all glory. My life is not my own. I must trust Him for my daily bread, for my instruction and I must trust that He has a plan (that He DOESN'T have to reveal to me in grave detail). He will catch me in dark, that crazy place that control freaks like me can't stand. I get it Lord and I trust you.
