This journey never stops amazing me! Everyday is filled with so many opportunities, challenges and I am realizing that these same things are available to me at home – they may just be presented differently. There are opportunities to love people everyday – in our families, with friends, colleagues and strangers; there are opportunities to choose to serve and prefer others needs in the midst of the busyness of our own lives…because the World race is real life, because it’s my life, and the lessons I am learning are shaping the person I am and will be long after these 11 months are over.
This month has been very different to our first three months on the race. We have had a lot more freedom, free time and independence than we have had in a long time. We have only a few hours in the evening of teaching English and the rest of the time is free. This has been an incredible blessing for us, especially after the last two months of very long, challenging days. We have really been able to relax, spend time doing things we enjoy, have fun alone and as a team, and really get to see and explore the city we are in. But it has also come with its own set of frustrations and has brought up some things in myself that I am trying to work through. For the month our contact is an awesome English center in Da Nanag city called Superkids; I have loved teaching English again and this center offers so much more than just teaching. We have substituted for a few full classes, which was really great and gave us time to really interact with some of the kids – but for the most part we have just visited a few classes for 15 minutes each per day. This has at times left me feeling like I’m not really doing anything useful or that is seemingly making a difference. As I thought this I realized some things.
One thing that I have always struggled with is seeking approval from others and having a real perfectionist streak. I believe in doing all things in excellence – and there is nothing wrong with that. But when I begin to define myself by how well I or others think I have done or performed…that is not something that the Lord wants me, or any of us, to walk in. I have struggled, for much of the race (and my life), with worrying about whether or not I am making a significant difference with whatever I might be doing and whether or not people value me for the contribution I make. I began to acknowledge this and speak openly about it with my team towards the end of our time in Botswana. It really came up last month in Madagascar, when I got sick and tried to force myself to go to ministry – all the while trying not to throw up in the bushes. The next day I still wasn’t well and was forced to rest, which frustrated me immensely and my friend and squad leader said something to me which I have tried to remind myself of and grow my faith in since then. She said “Bronwyn if you had to sit here all day and do absolutely nothing all day, God will still love you.”
I realized that in the deepest part of my heart I didn’t, and probably don’t, completely believe that. Do you?
This is something that is truly challenging me and I encourage you to reflect on this in your own life.
I am learning that Jesus is more concerned with who I am than with what I do. He is more concerned with my heart and with the true intentions behind everything I do. I keep being reminded of 1 Corinthians 13, here is part of it from The Message:-
“If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.”
My goal is not to focus on whether or not I feel like I am making a difference; but whether or not Jesus is the centre of my life. And whether or not I’m living a life of love. Am I loving my team, squadmates, hosts, taxi drivers etc. well and are they seeing Jesus in me?
