I have been putting off writing this blog for two weeks now…..I have no idea why (actually I do, I just haven’t wanted to talk about it). Two weeks ago, I received a call, a call that I had been hopefully and excitedly anticipating for over a year now – a call that should have had me rushing to post about it on facebook and sending emails and letters and brimming over with excitement. The call confirmed that I had been accepted to go on the World Race in July 2015 – a call and passion that I had been sharing with those closest to me and praying about for so many months.
So what happened?
Well, at this point, let me be completely honest and transparent with you (a task that isn’t easy for me). I heard about the world race over a year ago, I googled it and pretty soon I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of reading people’s stories, watching the videos and poring through the pictures of the work that is being done and love that is being shared around the world. I desperately wanted to be one of these people.
So why do I feel like this?
For the longest time, I thought that I wanted to be a teacher. I thought of other careers, as little kids do (I wanted to be a ballerina, a singer etc.) but I always wanted to be a teacher. I have had several teachers who have touched my life in significant ways and who inspired the kind of teacher I wanted to be. I have also had teachers (well, one in particular) who have affected my life in negative ways. So, after school I went to university and I studied education – it was great, I loved it and couldn’t wait to get into my own classroom. Cue, four years later, I graduated and started my first teaching position – teaching second grade.
Being in the classroom was not at all what I had expected and the first year was tough. I pushed through (fully having expected that the first year would be tough), the second year only got worse. As I began to feel like I wasn’t a good teacher, as I began to feel that I had made a mistake and that this wasn’t right for me – it began to change me. I began to become the teacher I never wanted to be.
I started to be angry, domineering, impatient and unkind to my students. I didn’t want to teach anymore – I didn’t enjoy it, I felt like a failure. It also scared me that I had no idea what else I wanted to or should be doing instead. I taught a third year at the same school before deciding that I could not continue anymore, I didn’t want to be that person or that teacher. I wanted to build people up, not break them down. I wanted to inspire children to learn, not make them feel worse when they couldn’t do something.
So, after three years of teaching in South Africa – I decided to leave and make a complete change. I decided to move across the world to teach English in South Korea. I have been here for just over 18 months, and it has been a fantastic experience. I have really enjoyed teaching here (for the most part) but have had it confirmed for myself even more that I don’t want to teach anymore.
Moving away from home and familiar comforts and people, really has a strange way of growing you. Soon after moving here, I found a church and faith community that I became part of. These people have become my closest friends in Korea. What I have been forced to face and deal with, is that teaching wasn’t really the problem…. Perhaps, I’m not cut out to be a teacher – and that’s ok. The problem, in fact, was that I had a bundle of fears and insecurities that I carried around with me and that eventually became too heavy to carry around anymore.
- I have never felt that I am particularly good at anything.
- I have always worried too much about pleasing other people.
- I have always tried to make people like me.
I have always wanted to be good at everything I do – in order to please people, in order to make them like me (it’s like a vicious cycle).
Over the last 18 months, I have been away from the familiar people who love and accept me and have been forced to interact and deal with new people (some of whom haven’t liked me) – and I have had to face with and deal with many of these insecurities. My relationship with the Lord has grown so much, and I probably have a better relationship with Jesus now, than I ever have had before.
so, what happened after I got that phone call?
What happened, was that all of a sudden all of those insecurities came flooding back….’How can I measure up with the other people on my squad?’ ‘I haven’t done any missions work before!’ ‘What do I possibly have to offer?’ ‘What am I thinking? I can’t be one of these people!’ ‘What if they don’t like me?’ ‘I’m not good at anything! I messed up as a teacher, why would this be any different?’
What I am hoping, as I sit here and type this blog, is that as I step out in honesty and step into the light – that the darkness will begin to disappear. That as I acknowledge the fears and insecurities and voice them, that they will begin to lose their hold over my life.
I am excited. I am gifted. I am capable. I know that the Lord can, and will, use me.
I hear the words of Isaiah 41:13 being spoken over me “For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’
Today I am a world racer.
I am going out to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the world.
I am going to love and serve in 11 countries for 11 months.
I am a daughter of the righteous King, He has called me by name, and I am saying ‘YES!’
I’M GOING! WHOO HOO!
