(NOTE: My wifi isn’t great here but hopefully in Guatemala I can go back and add some pictures! Stay tuned 🙂 )
My mind has continually tried to wrap itself around this slippery month. My weeks in Valle de Angeles have spelled out a sort of conundrum; how can I feel that this month was at once both consistent and inconsistent?
My closest guess: it’s because this month was consistently inconsistent. Surprise, surprise.
My team, the Cartographers, lived and did ministry with another team this month, Oaks of Righteousness. We were supposed to have two main ministries. One was doing a breakfast Bible study at a school in the mountains every other day, trading off mornings with the Oaks. The other ministry was manual labor at a nearby center/home for adults with special needs.
As the weeks shook out though, we spent only a few mornings at the school and found ourselves spending most days or half-days at the center.
On our first day at the center our contact there, Brett, gave us a tour of the center. He showed us where the residents lived, where they do things like arts and crafts, and where the psychologists for the center work. He explained that there were “aunts” who were 24/7 caretakers of the residents. The residents at the center have various mental and physical disabilities and special needs.
As we walked the beautiful grounds, we met many of the residents. More correctly, they came to meet us.
And I was very uncomfortable.
I was uncomfortable, and I felt like questioning God. I have not had much experience at all with working with people with special needs or disabilities. Last month, in El Salvador, we spent a day at a similar home (with many more residents) for children and adults with special needs. I admired the workers and did my best to interact with the residents, but I was far from the comfort I felt doing our sports ministry with kids. I left appreciative of others’ hearts for those with special needs, but felt no personal desire or call to do it again.
But God pushed me further into discomfort-here I was, looking at a month of working with the residents at the center. But didn’t you see me last month? I was so “bad” at this!
I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to “be” around the residents. For one, I didn’t speak their language, and I was caught up in the fact that I didn’t think I knew how to serve them. How would I know what they needed from me? What if they were having a bad day? What if I hurt or upset them?
I later pinpointed my discomfort: I was afraid of failure when it came to serving the residents. (Looking back, I recognize that as my achiever side coming out. 😉 )
As Brett showed us around that first day, some of them came up and spoke to us in Spanish, chatting away. Others walked over and gave us big hugs. They brought my teammates flowers and grabbed their hands. And I put space between myself and the residents as they approached-smiling, but hesitant and giving stiff hugs when I couldn’t avoid it.
One of the residents, Tanya, wordlessly came up to me, pulled my head down to her level, and embraced me. She breathed a raspy breath right into my ear, and I couldn’t stop the shudder that ran through my body. I felt horrible. How can I do this for a month?
I wanted to love it, and I knew I would need Jesus to keep me in my discomfort in order to grow.
Brett showed us the project for this month: a piece of the center’s property had been cleared by the last World Race team, and we would be levelling the ground. Their ultimate goal is to have a level area to fence in and make into a horse corral for equine therapy. I felt a little better: shovels and wheelbarrows were familiar.
But God used that perfect marriage of the familiar and the unfamiliar to work on me this month as I worked on the horse corral.
Three of the residents, Antonio, Moises, and Chendo were with us every day, insisting on hauling wheelbarrows of dirt and shoveling right alongside us. I quickly moved past my uncertainty in how to “be” with them; I learned that I didn’t have to worry about hurting them or being awkward or giving them too much work. In fact, Moises often told us to work harder!
God worked on me this month, moving with small steps. I started to learn the residents’ names and personalities. I think I learned the most from watching Brett love on the residents; he wasn’t concerned about serving them in any one way, but was genuinely friends with them.
Some of the residents, like Antonio, Moises, and Chendo, are very high-functioning, so the relationships came a little easier. I still didn’t speak Spanish, but Antonio’s smile and readiness never failed to bring a smile to my face. Moises became friends with all of us. He may have been a real slave driver when it came to working with us, but he also learned to tease us and showed up one time with an epic Transformers mask to work in. And it became a personal goal of mine to get Chendo to smile his very shy, stretching smile. It wasn’t until later that I discovered that he LOVES his picture taken and he’d break out in a smile and take off his hat without fail whenever a camera was aimed at him.
My days at the center were not marked by discomfort, but by joy and laughter. While some of the residents still left me confused, my confusion no longer prevented me from engaging with them. I laughed as I learned Nino was a water-seeking missile; he’d see a water bottle, make a beeline for it, and before you could reach him, he’d guzzle your entire Nalgene. I laughed as Moises made fun of our squadmate Jenna’s work. I started to know that Tanya would pull me to her level for hugs and I didn’t shudder. One of the residents, Nino, was very much a physical touch kind of person, and he had days he just wanted to be hugged and have his back rubbed by Brett. When I’d first met Nino, I was a little overwhelmed by his expressive hugs and kisses on my head, but I learned to embrace him.
I learned to love the residents’ individual quirks and many different way they made me laugh. From the girl with the rockin’ purple boots to the guy who asked Brett for his shirt every single day to my 3 main men helping me with construction, loving them made me and my month better.
I realized how far I’d come when one afternoon, after a morning of shoveling, we went to a part of town where they’d dammed up a river to make a swimming hole. I was initially nervous about all the residents and the water, but it turned out to be a blast. Moises clutched mine and Bre’s hand as we waded, and then, surprising us both, he launched away from us! He could totally swim! We sat with the residents in the shallow end and waded with them as far as they wanted. I learned the word for “frog” when I caught little tadpoles and brought them around to show my friends and they told me it was a “little frog.” I had realized that I was having fun. I wasn’t uncomfortable or overly stressed; I was genuinely having a great time. Thank you, Jesus!
Apparently “Honduras” means “depths” in Spanish, and that’s a perfect picture of God’s work in me this month. I tangibly experienced Jesus as his love poured in and stretched out my own heart, allowing for new depths there. It’s a super cool thing be able to look back and say, “Wow. That changed me. That changed in me.” I was under construction this month, and I leave Honduras with a bigger heart.
I made new friends and saying goodbye yesterday was harder than I expected it to be. While I’m still pretty sure I’m not called to work with or minister to people with special needs, I’m so thankful God opened my heart to the possbility. This month, I prayed for Jesus to give me his love instead if my discomfort and short-sightedness in loving the residents, and that’s exactly what he did. He was gentle and gave me the new and uncomfortable alongside the comfortable and known. I think that He probably does that more often than I think, and when the uncomfortable comes up, I will remember this month and remember to look for what God has already given me to help me through it.
With just 2 more months until I’m back in the world of finding a job, a home, and a ton of other daily life things that now no longer am familiar with, I think that lesson couldn’t have come at a better time. 🙂
We head to Guatemala TOMORROW! We’re hitting double digits, people! 😀
