“Helio” was a pretty ironic team name for Emily, Esther, Meagan and I this month.
Not because we weren’t trying to grow towards Jesus-that was a huge part of my month-but because we literally only went out to do ministry at night. I think “vampiric” or “werewolf-like” would have been a more fitting description.
We were based at a pastor’s house and church in a small town about 4 hours fom Hyderabad. Each night, we loaded up into our lovable, odd tuk-tuk-van and watched as the sun turned into a fiery, perfect circle. We’d drive anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours away to a village, where we would have a service for the small congregations. Outside, under the stars and away from city lights, we shared our testimonies and preached sermons to believers and non-believers alike, huddled on mats in front of us. We (whom I could reasonably argue are some of the most un-musical on the squad) even lead some worship. Did we laugh ourselves “offstage” one night? We sure did. But hey, we tried, and even nailed “Shout to the Lord” one night! When there were more children than adults, we lead worship by teaching the kids the dances from our Ghana concert, which were a huge hit! (see my VLOG: “A Day in the Helio Life” to see more!)
To protect the pastor’s ministry and family, we weren’t allowed to leave our church/ministry host’s home during the day, so we spent a lot of our time this month in the same room, in the same spots on the mats we’d set up our tents around. Staring at each other. Staring at the ceiling. Staring at my books. Staring at my Bible.
Let’s just say that in between chai tea time, there was a lot of time to sit, think, and talk to God. It was an incredible month of growth and listening for me.
Early on, I casually decided to start reading Matthew. I’d just finished John and wanted to read more of Jesus’ teachings. A pretty harmless endeavor- or so I thought.
I should have known that taking Jesus’ words to heart probably never leads to one feeling super comfortable with how they’re living. Which, of course, is what he was going for most of the time. I was going along, and then simultaneously started a study on the Sermon on the Mount.
It was going great until the 23rd chapter of Matthew.
Matthew 23 is where Jesus basically goes HAM (for a lack of a better term) on the Pharisees (a group that advocated for super-strict obedience of Jewish law) for basically talking all the stuck-up religious talk and not walking any of the genuine, heart-after-God walk. They wanted to follow all the rules so everyone would notice how well they followed said rules. Silly, right?
Jesus thought so too. He flat-out calls them hypocrites: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel” (Matthew (23:23-24).Jesus could care less about how well they appear to be following every minute law. Like, “Good job on giving your spice tithe. But you COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT OF EVERYTHING.”
And then I read further: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:27-28).
Usually, I read about the Pharisees and shake my head at them. But this time, I had a feeling in my stomach and I knew exactly what Jesus was telling me: Brittni, you’re being a Pharisee. I was reading Jesus’ words to the Pharisees, but felt like the he was speaking right to me.
Whoa. This is not what I came to Matthew for. It was so unexpected.
I think that, like most Christians, I usually think of myself as pretty much on the right track. Is that why I felt this way? Jesus, what are you telling me? I thought. I didn’t understand–what am I being a hypocrite about?
I had read My Utmost for His Highest, and I went back to read what I’d highlighted earlier: “Think who the New Testament says Jesus Christ is, and then think of the despicable meagerness of the miserable faith we exhibit by saying, ‘I haven’t had this experience or that experience!’…We must continually focus and firmly place our faith in Jesus Christ-not a “prayer meeting” Jesus or a “book” Jesus, but the New Testament Jesus, who is God Incarnate, and who ought to strike us dead at His feet.”
Dude. Boom. There it was. Had I been taking Jesus seriously? I puzzled over this question. What the heck, I’m a missionary. Of course I do. (Yikes. I know.) I brushed off my question of taking Jesus seriously and moved on to the other Bible study I was doing about the Sermon on the Mount. I’d figured it would make sense to do it while I read through Matthew.
That day’s reading was titled, “Spectacle or Sacred?” and it was about intimacy with Jesus. The passage was from Matthew 6: “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven…And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
The study hammered home a solid parallel on the topic of intimacy between an earthly husband and our Bridegroom (Jesus). The essay pointed out that there’s different levels of intimacy in an earthly marriage, whether it’s sweet PDA or, like…you know, husband and wife time, where nobody else is in the room. And it’s the same with Jesus-public prayer and Bible studies are obviously awesome, but there’s got to be that time you set aside to “show Him the only affections you’re chasing after are His-pursuing him privately, closing the doors, enjoying sacred intimacy, unafraid of our society’s ‘if I don’t post in on Instagram, it didn’t happen’ notion of quality time” (SRT, The Sermon on the Mount, “Spectacle or Sacred?).
The writer went even further, explaining that intimacy in our earthly relationships/marriages takes intentionality-scheduling dates and time to be alone.
Now, I’m not married. But these parallels hit super close to home in my heart because marriage is something I’m looking forward to and is definitely a reality I’m trying to prepare for in my current relationship. I can picture that need for intentionality in intimacy. It’s not the same, because we’re not married, but I can understand the importance of intentionality in my relationship. But in stark contrast to that understanding of intentionality in the earthly realm was my understanding of intentionality in the spiritual realm.
The Bible study ended with these words: “Are you intentionally closing the doors, scheduling dates, and setting aside time in order for your relationship to deepen, or are you publicly kissing Him, then living as strangers at home?”
And my heart broke. Everything in me revolted at the idea of such a shallow relationship with an earthly husband-I inwardly knee-jerk reacted, “Ah! Never let it be that way!” yet I knew that was exactly how I was treating my Bridegroom.
I knew then exactly what I was being hypocritical about. The words I’d read earlier came back to me. I was kissing Him in public-doing our teams group Bible studies, prayer, and even loving the scheduled all-Squad devotion we had for an hour every day in Nepal- but completely letting my actual, personal relationship with Jesus decay. Yet I was here in India to tell others about the relationship they can have with Jesus. I would never want that with an earthly husband, so why was I settling for such shallowness with Jesus?
Brittni, I don’t want this for you. I have so much more. I AM so much more.
And so, I acted. I mentally overhauled my prayer life. I’m not going to think, “Eh, Jesus is with me everyday. He knows everything-why do I need to tell him this or that? I prayed during Bible study-that’s good for now.”
Man, I want to know the Lord. But not with my head, the way I’ve thought was good enough before. There’s an emotional, deeper part that I’m pretty sure I’ve just been living on the tip of the iceberg of. I needed to stop kissing Him in public and then ignoring Him at home, when I was alone. I needed true, intentional intimacy with Him. I know that I can’t have an outward, physical relationship while remaining emotionally detached (in what world would that be ideal?)-that’s not a relationship, that’s not love, and it’s certainly not Christianity.
And what do you know? As I put time aside, I could hear His voice better. For example, I could feel Him giving me a different idea for the future after the Race that I would never have considered before. I won’t say it was magical or anything-if anything, I had even more questions to ask Him and clarify this odd new desire.
But in India, I started to learn the difference between staving off true intimacy and settling for shallowness, and drawing close to my Bridegroom. I could preach all night about my relationship with God, but that wouldn’t change the fact that I hadn’t been intentional with Him in a long time.
So I traded my shallowness for intimacy.
Maybe too many people have met Pharisees, and not Christians. Calling others to take up standards that we don’t even live by only produces clean outsides and neglected insides-not a clean cup to offer Life to others with. I’ve been a hypocrite in that way, and I needed to search my heart to see how much of my “righteousness” and “relationship” was for someone other than God to see.
I realized that being a hypocritical Pharisee will never change the world and will never reach hearts.
But being His Bride will.
