At Training Camp, we were warned that these 6 weeks between Camp and Launch can be really hard for Racers—it’s a weird in-between stage for us. Personally, it’s a game of tug-of-war in my heart: I love being here, but I loved being there. My first week back was pretty hard for me; I love being in Juneau and love my people here, but I felt extremely discontent with my job. After seeing how amazing Christian community could look like in the Adventures staff, I was slightly salty that I had to sit alone at a desk (for the first couple of weeks back, I worked at one of the two desk locations at my university: the one that I am too extroverted to be happy at, since the desk is always so quiet). I knew that I could let it be meaningful—after all, I was able to interact with conferencing guests visiting Juneau for all kinds of different reasons—but most of the time I just felt largely dissatisfied.
Last Sunday, my pastor spoke about contentedness, and asked those who felt discontent in some area of their life to stand up so the church could pray for them. Even after everything at Training Camp, I wasn’t brave enough to stand up (#socialanxiety), but when my friend stood, I stood with her and another friend and prayed. I thanked God that at least one of us could stand, because I knew that all three of us at some point over the last weeks complained about our jobs or another area of our lives to each other. I was so thankful that because one of us had stood, so we could all step into it together—her vulnerability had been a bold invitation for me.
After Sunday, I went into this week thinking about being content where I am right now and being able to rejoice in where I am and not where I think I should be or where I will soon be. Yesterday, I started a book called The Art of Listening Prayer by Seth Barnes, the founder of Adventures in Missions, because I had been intrigued by it at Training Camp and wanted to do it with a fellow K-Squad girl. I have never felt like a person that regularly talks with God; I mean, I talk at Him every day, but I rarely make myself quiet enough to pay attention to the fact that maybe He has something to say to me. I know that part of my identity as a daughter should be having these personal conversations with God, but I often am intimidated and disappointed if I don’t “feel anything.” That’s a part of my spiritual life I really want to grow in—being more in tune with God’s voice and being confident in the Spirit. The book is a devotional of sorts about listening prayer, focusing around asking God questions and then actually doing the listening part. Like I said, I usually feel vague disappointment when I do something like this, an exercise like “Ask God for a word” and come up with nothing…but I really wanted to give this listening prayer exercise time and space to wait expectantly on God.
So, I was home alone yesterday morning and put my game face on. I got comfy and got out the book, my journal, and my Bible. I got quiet.
The book suggested starting with Scripture—great!—but I didn’t know where to start. Naturally, I went to Psalms (sometimes, I feel like, “Eh, why not?” when it comes to Psalms…#confessiontime). And because I didn’t even know where to start there, I just went to Psalms 1. I read it, and that was fine, and then I saw a little note in my Bible (it’s a study Bible) that said, “When you want___, read__Psalm.” In the list was one that said, “to meet God intimately”, and I was like, “Well yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do!” so I took the note’s suggestion and read Psalm 103. I felt like it was an annotation of my own heart’s desire to praise and be content: “Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits… who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
He satisfies my desires! I thought to myself. There’s a reason to be content. When I read this to myself, I stress the “all my inmost being” part—I taste determined hunger in those words. The Psalm also speaks of God’s love for us, “But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him.” I was reminded of who God is to me, and how much He loves me. Lovely stuff.
Then I saw another little study note with pointers. This was a list that said, “God Is…” and then had more Psalms to read; I wanted to read the one for “God is willing to reveal His will, law, and direction,” so I followed it to Psalm 119, but accidentally flipped to Psalm 139. That happens to be one of my favorite Psalms, so I stayed there and read it. I love Psalm 139:7-12, it’s one of my favorite verses (probably because it reminds me of Romans 8:38-39) and I paid attention to what the Psalm says about me, as a daughter, being fearfully and wonderfully made (normally I kind of am like, “yeah yeah, beauty, whatever, I get it”). Something else about that Psalm caught my attention: “You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways”—how intimate God is with us!
Through this seemingly-random traipsing through Psalms, two things were brought to my mind: I am known by God and I am loved by God, and I’d really needed to hear that and praise Him for that, to find a sense of contentment in that. After praying for protection against deception and asking God to speak clearly and confirm what He shares with me in Scripture, I asked God the first question: Have I offended you?
Immediately, my mind was brought to the day before—I had gone on a run and felt really bad about myself. I’d felt weak in the heat and had gotten super self-conscious. I’d even lapsed into mentally beating myself up. In light of the “fearfully and wonderfully made” part I’d just read in Psalm 139, I realized that I had offended God. I offend God when I bash His creation. I was reminded that He cares about my body, what I do with it, and how I think about it. I’d offended Him in my discontentment. This train of thought made me think about my discontentment with where I was in this pre-Race time. I’d offended Him there, too, in my discontent; I’d felt like I could be doing or having something better in these 6 weeks than what I actually have—than what God actually has for me here.
And then I was praying the next question, “What can I do to keep from offending You?”
And at first I reverted to that logical part of me that wants to talk, and I reasoned through it, thinking, “I should try to believe what He thinks of me and accept that truth”—this is a good and truthful answer, but it was my answer. And then I wrote and underlined, “BE CONTENT”.
And then, because I am definitely human, I started to doze off. I was trying to listen for God, I was! But sitting in one place had made me sleepy and having my eyes closed put me halfway to nap-mode. I was a goner. I realized this and shook myself; I half-woke up, refocused, and then almost immediately started drifting off again…but in this weird in-between dreaming state, I literally heard a voice saying, “Timothy, Timothy!”
I suddenly woke right up. Whoa. That was weird. I was definitely home alone, and now slightly confused and annoyed with myself for drifting off when I was trying to focus on praying. What should I pray about now? Uh….
I decided to just start reading 1 Timothy, since I really didn’t have a better idea and had so strangely heard that name. I started reading, and stopped in 1 Timothy 5 to refocus my sleepy heart. I asked again, “What can I do to keep from offending You?”, and prayed about being content in His love and what He has for me right now. I looked again at my underlined scrawl, “Be Content.”
When I was done, I flipped the page, which brought me to 1 Timothy 6.
…and do you know what 1 Timothy 6 is all about?
IT’S BASICALLY ABOUT CONTENTEDNESS.
“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.”
I was sitting in a giant beanbag, which was good because otherwise I might have fallen over. And God didn’t stop; it was in the next part where I know God was speaking to me in His Word. It’s where Paul gives Timothy this epic charge:
“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ…” ( 1 Timothy 6:11-14, I added emphasis).
DUDE. WHAT A CHARGE.
Paul is telling Timothy to flee from a love of money and fight for contentedness in God. I was struck by how many verbs Paul uses: “pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”
I sat there, knowing I had a direct and confirmed answer to my question, “How do I be content? Is that how I can keep from offending You?”
I believe God was telling me that to be content in Him is not passive; it is not complacency. For Christians, contentedness looks like relentless action: Fleeing (from false contentment), pursuit, fighting, taking hold of—this is sacrifice and hard work. Contentedness is active, not me sitting here waiting to magically feel okay about myself and where I am. I will be content as I take captive every thought and desire and center them on Him—that is what I heard God speaking to me yesterday. The alternative—staying a slave to my own desires—will naturally result in discontentment.
God is good and God is faithful. I had no expectations in doing this devotional, except the hope that God would really speak to me. I was so sweetly met when I set aside time and space for myself to earnestly listen (even if He had to speak to me while I was dozing off, haha!). I’m excited to continue practicing listening prayer; like I said, I’m usually one who feels like I really strain and struggle for that connection, but I’m learning how to rest in Him as a daughter who can always approach her Father. God makes Himself known to us because He loves us, and He will not hide from your pursuit of him. He spoke to me and showed me that contentedness is a verb. I am so thankful to have this mindset for the next weeks before launch; this is what I need to learn and practice now, before a season where contentedness might seem even more elusive.
Thank you for reading and supporting me! Make sure to subscribe to my blog—this time next month, it will become my main way to keep you all updated!
Quick update: I am 13 days and $2,800 away from my deadline to be able to launch to the Ivory Coast! If you feel led and are able to support my mission trip financially, I would be so blessed to have you along on this adventure. Donations here on my blog need to be made by the 19th. If you’d like to send a check, please contact me.
Prayer partners-please keep this deadline and the hearts of supporters in prayer!
XOXO Brittni
