“How will you know when you are a mature Christian?”
“When you are no longer at war with yourself and the world.”
I heard this in a podcast a couple months ago and I keep coming back to it- each time it seems to sink deeper into my soul.
I’ve been at war with myself for a long time. Who I am versus what I want to be colliding with who I am created to be. I have lived the life of constant striving. Never being quite good enough. Almost reaching my goal, then falling short. Living under the shame of calling myself a Christian but not being fully committed- not willing to risk my reputation to claim Jesus as more than my religion. I didn’t want to be considered a “radical.” At the same time, I wanted growth and authenticity in my relationship with God. But my quiet times were never consistent enough; I never read my Bible. At the end of the day, I chose me over Him; I knew I was making that choice, yet I did it over and over again. I couldn’t break the cycle.
So, I came on the World Race. I needed “something more.” What I found is simple, yet life-changing. And I didn’t need to leave America to find it. Freedom.
Freedom from expectations of the world. Freedom from expectations of the church. Freedom from “success” and what that looks like. Freedom from my longings for acceptance, from my fear of rejection.
I found the freedom to JUST BE.
Sometimes that is really messy.
Sometimes it is beautiful.
Sometimes it is controversial.
Sometimes it is frightening.
Who knew that once the mess was sorted out a little bit, there was someone made in the image of the Creator. Someone with dreams, passions, and convictions that had been stifled, conflicted, and often carried with shame.
When you let it all hang out- the good, bad, and the ugly and Abba tells you he is pleased with you… that He loves you… even with all that mess, all those mistakes, all those times you have fallen short. That love goes deep. So much deeper than any human love ever could go. It’s an encounter with Jesus that I didn’t have until I was 25 years old- in over a decade of calling myself a Christian. And it didn’t happen because I did more. Or because I left America for a mission trip.
It happened because I let him see the less that I was. The less that I am. And I let his love fill me up to completeness.
When Jesus walked on earth, everything he did fell under this one conviction: The conviction of Love.
At the end of the day, I want my success in life to be measured by that too. Everything else can fall to the wayside.
Referenced podcast: “Cultivating a Culture of Love” by Expression 58 Ministries
