Before embarking on my journey to training camp, I found myself terrified of inadequacy and rejection. I find myself lost in these worlds in which I believe that I am less than the next person. I encounter Christians whose walk looks better than mine, Christians on whom God has placed an anointing, and Christians who seem to have a better relationship with Christ than I do.
For whatever reason, I believe when I meet new people that they will not appreciate the person I am. I find myself masking the “real” Brittine in order to fit in with others. While preparing for training camp, I kept asking myself, “Is this one of those times again? Do I have to pretend to be holy? Do I have to downplay my worship in order to look like others?”
I decided to ignore my squad via chat and messages the week prior to training camp due to my “inadequacies”. I’ll be completely transparent with you: I doubted whether or not I should actually have been going to training camp. I woke up each morning just wanting to give up. I believed that I wouldn’t raise the money, that no one would like me, that this wasn’t God’s plan for me, and that everyone would judge me because of my life story. The devil was truly growing these lies within me and I believed them!
Thank God for training camp.
I won’t use this blog post to get into the nitty gritty of what happened during training camp, but I will share this with you: God desired me to attend training camp! It was the most life-changing experience I have ever encountered. God brought healing to my innermost being, wisdom to my mind, and love to my heart. The Lord crushed the fear that encompassed me, the inadequacies that strangled me, and the lies that I found myself believing.
Post Training Camp Realizations
How I now see myself:
- Loved: God loves me with an undeniable love. I knew this before going to training camp, but after leaving training camp I had a higher understanding of love. Not only was I loved by God, my team, but I loved myself on a deeper level. There are some areas in my life love hasn’t been able to penetrate, but thanks be to God those walls are broken and love is thoroughly seeping into me.
- Accepted: I don’t have to act religious or go above and beyond to hide the person I am. God created me just the way that He desired me to. I am perfect in His eyes, and I am now accepted in my own eyes! I am perfectly imperfect and that is perfectly alright.
- Free: I am now free from bondage I didn’t know that I had to still deal with! I’m so glad that God has revealed to me that I need to still work through a few things, but the awesome thing is they no longer hold me captive. I don’t have to walk around with my head down or feel ashamed.
- Full: I have never experienced the holy spirit the way that I encountered Him at training camp. Due to that encounter I feel full, but I also know how spiritual fullness feels when the Holy Spirit is involved. I never want to lose that experience.
How my world race team sees me:
- Beautiful: Most of my life I have not seen myself as beautiful. I live life waiting for others to validate that I may quite possibly be beautiful, however that validation doesn’t come often. When it comes to this area I am really self conscious. The Lord has blessed me with men and women in my squad who see me as beautiful. People who don’t stare at my imperfections and point them out, but people who accept them. People who don’t mind telling me I have a beautiful face or a beautiful soul
- Bold: I posses boldness that others see that was blind to me. My values are very important to me and that in turn results in my ability to be bold.
- A Servant: I posses qualities that I have spent so much time overlooking. Though I know I am a servant, what I didn’t realize was that others love and appreciate that I have a servant heart. I enjoyed spending time washing some of the girls on my squads hair. Though it wasn’t difficult for me to do or tedious they wouldn’t stop thanking me for doing it. (Not because they hadn’t washed the hair DAYS.) They noticed my heart and appreciated me for heart.
- A Blessing: I am seen as a blessing. I don’t believe people value me or appreciate me, but with my world race team I felt so valued. I couldn’t count the times someone on my team has stated how much of a blessing I am. Now i see it.
How God sees me:
- God sees me as His beautiful and beloved daughter “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1) I am not an ORPHAN! I am a daughter of the one true King!
- God sees me as saved and redeemed by the blood of His son. “For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 5:9)
- God sees me as FORGIVEN! “All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.” (Acts 10:43). I don’t have to pretend to be holy enough, because Jesus was holy when He went to the cross. I know longer have to walk around with the weight of my past sins binding me. There are some Christians that have rejected me because I have sinned in the past. You know the sins that they deem worse than the sins that they commit. Newsflash all sin is equal, and those who are in the body shouldn’t demean other Christians into thinking any different. I may not be perfect, but the Lord sees me as His perfect daughter!
*****
I will leave you with a few lyrics to a song! Please trust and believe that I am not the only person to which this post applies. You may be feeling fearful, inadequate, rejected, and many other things, but you are a child of the One True King. He loves you with an undeniable love. You are made new through your relationship with Christ. He has set the captives free!
I love you all. Thank you for reading!
He whispers in my ear, tells me that I’m fearless
He shares a melody, tells me to repeat it
And it makes me whole, it reminds my soul
I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
And He says I am His own
“All He Says I Am” by Cody Carnes
