There I was… Clutching a letter addressed to me with strict instructions to open on the first day of the job (aka day 1 of the World Race). I was expecting a letter of I miss you, I love you, and do well, but the letter ended up being a letter full of truth about the dangers of self and pride and how those can really hinder growth and relationship with God. Alongside my letter was a print out that included some of the ways that pride can manifest itself within us. I was blown away by the fact that I had been hiding behind some of these masks of pride without even realizing that I was sinning. Pride had hidden itself within me and without me even realizing it. Part of the printout that really convicted me read a little like this, “Pride can be at the bottom of embarrassment or even shyness. As a shy person will not make himself vulnerable and very carefully protects himself. (‘What if I make a mistake? What if I am criticized? People may find out who I really am; I might be humbled.’) Pride could be at the root of certain kinds of fears. – ‘This might make me look small.’ Pride is very protective of self. Jesus however, was humble and vulnerable, and willing to look like a failure”. It hasn’t been long that I have rededicated my life to Christ, but it has been a long time that I have been hiding behind this excuse of shyness. I caught myself convicted of using this pride that had buried itself deep in my heart as an excuse to not share about my relationship with Jesus, or to make my Christianity a light and fluffy story that wouldn’t make non-believers feel uncomfortable.
As I was realizing this (and repenting), I was also drawn back to a conversation I had with my sister about me leaving for the World Race. She had been with me when I was explaining the World Race to someone who isn’t a Christian. I had been stumbling over my words and trying to muster the courage to tell them that this wasn’t really just a humanitarian trip but a chance for me to be the hands and feet of Jesus all over the world. When this conversation had ended my sister asked me why I was shy about sharing with people what I was doing. I felt horrible. I obviously believe in what I am doing and have seen the fruits of the goodness of Jesus in my own life, but I still didn’t have a concrete reason for her besides my own “shyness”. She encouraged me by telling me that people all over the world stand up for and share what they believe in and that I have just as much of a right to do the same. She actually instructed me to go forward with this phrase, “I said it, I meant it, and I’m here to represent it!” Let’s just say that this has set the tone for my first month on the race. I am more aware of the pride that I have in my own heart and have been able to move forward in allowing God to dissect some of that.
In the midst of all of this learning I had also been reading the book Love Does by Bob Goff. I totally fell in love with the chapter called Jeepology. Quick synopsis before I get into what it taught me: Bob has a jeep that he loves deeply; he gets in an accident; the jeep is a collision on wheels that he continues to drive because he loves it; the jeep leaks everywhere and is pretty glitchy. Bob writes this about the jeep (pg 125), “I know it sounds goofy, but I want to be like that Jeep. I want to leak from having been hit by Jesus. From having something crazy happen to me, something that flipped my life upside down.” He continues a little later saying, “We start steering funny; we start leaking where we stand. And it’s because we got thrown from our lives in a terrific collision.” My life has been flipped upside down. I had a terrible collision that only Jesus got me through. For some reason though I decided to hide behind myself, my pride, and my shyness rather than share with those around me. Jesus is working on me and He is teaching me things that are blowing my mind. Let’s just say that this collision will be posted here shortly along with all the fender benders I’m encountering. Here’s to being a vulnerable broken wreck and leaking all over the world for the next eleven months and to where ever else He leads me after that!
FUNDING UPDATE: I am 80% funded and only in need of $3200 more!
