Happy New Year!! It’s about time for a life update…don’t you think, especially if things are so completely different from how my last blog would have you believe…
So about 5 months ago I wrote my last blog, and I was in a VERY different place than I am now…physically, not so much, but emotionally and spiritually…relationally…
Now to “unpack that statement” as my dad loves to say…
I was two months removed from the Race, one month removed from moving here to our new home in Newmarket, I was really struggling with not knowing anyone, not having a job, not knowing what I wanted to do, not being able to really talk with anyone from the Race who might have been sharing my own apprehensions/struggles/battles, not being able to put into words how I really felt, the fact that I was going through something, but didn’t know what. I was sick of using “my trip” as an excuse, a crutch, a reason for why I felt like I couldn’t connect with ANYONE…and I wanted to go back to what I thought I knew…I knew I could live in community, I knew I wanted missions to be a part of my life, I knew that I wanted God to be the focus of my life…I just didn’t know how that was supposed to look. I assumed that doing something similar to what I had done before would be sufficient (hence the desire to do YWAM Montana), that it would be what God was calling me to…and I thought, well hey, an easy way of seeing God and making new friends and continuing with my missions-mindset would be to go back and do what I had been doing, but doing it differently, learning more about the God I had encountered in the nations…diving into a deeper and newer understanding, leaving behind my family (again) in the pursuit of God’s calling…
Well let’s just say that’s when God stepped in with a thing or two to say. It was sneaky, but not in a back alley, Satan’s trickery kind of way…not like that at all, but unexpected, get you when you’re convinced your ideas are right and show you exactly how wrong you are…kind of way. We were looking for churches, I had completed most of my YWAM application, I was well on my way to severing my ties to this community/neighbourhood and just helping to contribute to my family finding a church, distancing myself from it all when low and behold, we go to a church…I filled out the info card, and I tick off the “please, send us more information” purely out of the mentality that they will harmlessly mail us something, or perhaps we’ll get a free “visitors’ gift basket” or something…
WRONG…
We got a phone call. The pastor and his wife wanted to come over and meet with/talk with our whole family. Crap. I didn’t want to talk to people, (so weird I know but I believe I already said I was in a dark place emotionally) mostly because all I had to talk about was just coming home from this whirlwind experience, I couldn’t put it all into words, I had no idea how to express my disgust for our excess, and my quick assimilation back into it…
I wanted to hide in my room, fake a nose bleed…but no…”Brittany you ticked it off on the card, you are going to be down here talking to these people” aka it’s your fault, you handle it…now this was all said in love of course, and I definitely took my sweet time doing it…but I came down stairs, met them, but was I ever unprepared for their seemingly innocent question…
“What is your passion?”
Welcome to my then current struggle! I didn’t know, I had no idea, I was lost, I felt like I was treading water and slowly but surely slipping under…I felt numb, I felt as though I had no passion…I had no concept of what made me happy…I felt like there were all of these things that I used to be passionate about, that I used to care about…but I just didn’t feel anything. I wracked my brain, and the best I could come up with was sports. Now, I do love sports, I love being active, I am fascinated by the human body and how it moves and works, how God has knit us all together in such an amazing and complex way…but at that time, I couldn’t really get that out. And as per usual, I just started crying. I was so frustrated that this (the crying and numbness) was my response to everything nowadays…I was so embarrassed, I’d just met these people and yet here I go blubbering away because “I am passionate about sports, oh yeah and people”…haha what a freakshow…
And yet…three days later I get a phone call…from this pastor.
They need another adult youth leader at their church, and in a couple of days they are having a week-long retreat with the other adult leaders as well as the teen leaders – meaning there are adults who help to lead the youth, but there are also teens, from the youth group who are mentoring/leading their peers…and the adults are there to offer guidance to said peer-leaders, etc….so I would be one of the adults, offering guidance, assistance, etc to these teen leaders. Now this retreat was three hours north of where I live (where no one can hear me scream…these are my thoughts at the time by the way), I know NO ONE, I am clearly an emotional basket-case, and so I say sure, when do we leave? I meet the youth pastor and his wife at Starbucks, they decide I seem harmless enough, so I go with them on the retreat.
To say I had an emotional breakthrough on this retreat would be putting it mildly. An understatement. God rocked my world. And he did it right here in North America. I memorized Scripture, I spoke life, I wrote encouraging notes, I prophesied, I worshipped, I prayed…but not for me, it wasn’t about me, I was doing all of these things for these random people I had never met…these teens, the other adult leaders, other people who were at the camp with us…I just released all of the stupid lies that Satan had been whispering to me since I’d gotten home. Now, in going on this retreat, I wasn’t committing to the year with them yet, this was just to get a feel for how the youth group was run and to see whether or not I would be a good fit, so it was a test run for me as well as for them. And let’s just say I drank the Kool-Aid, I was hooked. I love all of these teens, they are amazing people, with such a passion for God that they would be willing to serve him, in front of their peers, sometimes saying or doing things that might make people angry, or might not seem cool. I really clicked with and was impressed by the other adult leaders, yeah sure they’re all married with families, or starting families and I’m in a little different walk of life…but we are all serving the same God and aiming toward the same goal, to win this generation for Christ, to ignite the upcoming generations, to inspire God-like living.
So five or so months later, here I am, still in Newmarket, working with this youth group, and continuing to pray for these teens, their families, their small groups, the other leaders, etc. Not in Montana, at YWAM, and you know what, I am exactly where God wanted me to be. And it wasn’t that God never called me there, it was more that I had to be willing to go, so that I would be willing to stay. I needed to have a reason to stay. I couldn’t feel obligated to stay because I had been gone for a year away from my home and family…I needed to have a purpose, a passion here in Newmarket. And it’s really just now, 5 months later that I can see this, that God didn’t NOT call me to YWAM, but that He called me to follow and listen, to act in obedience to his call, whether or not it makes sense to me, or if I have to go back and explain to others why it has changed…
So here’s the new announcement…I am currently working at a cafe here in Newmarket, loving life, meeting new people, etc. and saving money as I apply for graduate school….
to get my Masters of Science in Physiotherapy…
It has been quite the journey to get here, but I have no doubt that this is what I love, it’s my passion, to serve God, to love and help others, with an appreciation for the human body for the way that God intended for it to move and work and function, oh and it ties in my passion for sports 😉 I’ll keep you posted as to where, when, how, etc., but for now just know that it is where I believe God is leading me. My reassurance is this, that not only can this degree apply here at home, but it is a valuable tool to offer abroad as well…possibly getting me into countries I might not otherwise get into if I my primary occupation is “missionary”…God knows what he is doing and I am encouraged by his love and faithfulness, and I hope that you are too…
As the favourite band of my youth (teen years) Switchfoot sings…”let my shadows prove the sunshine”
