I don’t remember my first word, I don’t know at which age I
actually started talking. But for
as long as I can remember, I have been able to speak. I have delighted in the ability to project my thoughts and
feelings into the wider world.
Words are the medium in which I interact with others: I joke, they
laugh; I talk, they listen; they talk, I listen…we converse with each
other. I’m asked a question, I
respond. That’s just how it goes.
Until I got laryngitis.
I’m sure there are some of you out there just laughing; the
thought of Brittany Joy Smith, not able to speak…well it’s a shocker for
sure. I talk a lot. I know. I don’t feel bad about it either; I know that there is
wisdom, joy, truth, and insight in the words that I speak. But I also know how to be silent. I don’t talk to fill the silence. That’s what humming and singing are for
;). I just have a lot of feelings…a
lot of thoughts. I process things
by speaking them out and seeing how I feel about them once the air has hit
them. I resent being called
chatty. I can admit to being
verbose. An air of mystery would
probably do me some good, but I’ve never really been a secretive person…
Now I am. I
have been silenced. My medium is
still words, but no longer spoken, now, I dwell in the written word. The essence of me now must be written
down, recorded, no longer spoken and forgotten. The thing about the World Race though, is I don’t really
have a white board and marker to express and erase, I don’t have paper
either. So charades it is. Or silence.
Do I listen more?
No, but I do inevitably hear more.
I can honestly say that I have never in my life been more
frustrated. Never.
I’m stuck with my own thoughts. At least when I can speak, then I subject someone else to
them. But not now, it’s just me,
my thoughts and God. I could
journal, but that’s just redundancy.
I am in my thoughts all day, why do I want to record them? So I can look back in a few weeks when
my voice is back and laugh about the frustration which at the time felt so
intense but has now since faded?
Yeah, no thanks. I’ve been
sick all month. I’ve up until this
point been patient in affliction, rejoicing in suffering…all without
complaint…not anymore. I’ve been
humbled. I’ve been
gut-punched. It’s so easy to write
a blog afterward and say…oh well, sucked at the time, but here is what I’ve
learned. Yeah, not so much when
you’re in the middle of it. It hurts,
I’m angry, I’m sure there is growth in this, I know that God is not doing this
to spite me, I’m hardly being “Job-ed,� but I can’t even ask the person next to
me to open the window in the car when I’m feeling carsick without going through
an over-exaggerated hand motion of dying and puking if there isn’t air hitting
my face. Boohoo. Sounds like complaining to me…
What have I learned so far? My childhood favorite movie has come back to haunt me. Sure, I didn’t sell my soul to a
morbidly obese octopus, but my voice is gone. I realize how much I rely on speaking, humming,
singing. I am right now just
hoping that I don’t have to crash a wedding and crush a seashell to regain not
only my voice, but also the love of my life…but I think this lack of voice
thing is really all I have in common with The
Little Mermaid. Now I’m just
wondering how Beauty and the Beast is
going to factor into this process…I digress.
I’m finally accepting the power that I wield with my words. During training camp we are all told
that our words have power. We have
the ability to speak “life� or to speak “death� into each other, into a
situation, into a ministry. It’s
choosing to identify the God-given, the beautiful, and the truth in each other
rather than focusing on how much of an idiot you looked like after that last
dance move. So you’re not a
dancer, that’s fine. I’m not going
to lie to you and say that you are, but instead of saying “Good gravy, boss,
don’t ever do that again,� I can
highlight that your self-confidence is inspiring, I am encouraged by the way
that you express your freedom of movement. I know that those sound so wishy-washy…but sometimes “life�
is difficult to find. That doesn’t
mean that the person doesn’t deserve to hear it.
We’re encouraged to speak life to the people on our teams,
especially when they’ve done something that hurts. Let’s say I tell an off-color joke, no one appreciated it,
and Robin says to me, “Britt you’re such a funny girl, and I know that you use
your humor to bring joy to others, but that joke really wasn’t appropriate and
it didn’t bring anyone joy.� She
focuses on the truth, not the hurt…but she still addresses the wrong. Let me just say that it’s been an
interesting year in learning to talk in a way that doesn’t just call out the
bad without giving the person a reason to listen to me in the first place. Meaning that I am paying enough
attention to the person to notice that this hurtful thing is out of character,
and highlighting that character that is so clearly missing. Maybe it isn’t, maybe that’s “just who
they are.� Yeah, dealt with that
too…I’ve used that excuse before…“Oh my sarcastic comment hurt you? Well that’s just who I am, so I’d
appreciate if you changed cuz I’m not going to.� Not much life in that statement. But we’ve all said it at one time or another. In some shape or form…it’s just who I
am, deal with it. Yes, there are
nicer ways of saying that same thing, but that’s not love, at least not the
kind that God has called us to live in with one another. Nowhere in the bible does it say
identify the most caustic of people in your life and adapt so that they never
need to change, but it does say to love that person. It doesn’t say identify the one thing about you that would
be difficult to change and cling to it even if it brings other people
pain. That ain’t love.
Words have the ability to make a person laugh, make a person
cry, to side with you, to oppose you…Jesus drew people to him because of the
hope and truth and love in his words.
That’s how I want to use my words.
I don’t want people to feel ostracized or dejected because of my words,
I want Christ’s light and love to shine through my words. To identify truth and create an
understanding of the love God has for us.
At the beginning of the month, Shawndell did prophetic
drawings over the beds of those who were interested. Over my bed is the word POWER…as well as a gate (it looks
like it’s out of the CareBears…but that doesn’t negate its value) with the
phrase “go through the gate� written over it, the word CHOICE is also written
and “such GOOD things await you.�
At first when it was drawn I thought, ok, doesn’t really ring a bell
right now, but we’ll see. I really
felt like this would be a month of identity where God would reveal to me more
of who I am in Him, as well as some of what is in store for me when I get
home. Some aspects of that have
been revealed in talking with family and friends at home and seeing some of
what is going on in their lives.
But a lot has been revealed to me as I’ve spent this last month in and
out of bed with this illness or that illness. I’ve been wrestling with understanding the balance between
who I am, my strengths, my giftings…and how exactly that could possibly roll up
into a ministry or a career.
During a rough time, I forced myself to make a list of the
things I was good at, just trying to parse out where God could even use
me. The list ranged from Sudoku to
reading out loud, from making lists to laughing off awkward situations. It was a ridiculous list, but I am able
to look back on the list and see how God has in fact given me a sense of humor
as well as a way in which to effectively convey how I’m feeling. So in World Race terms…I am now “walking
in my identity.� I am “choosing
into� a new way of expressing myself.
As Shawndell’s drawings said, I am going to go through the gate…WORDS. Whether that looks like speaking in
front of crowds, or writing a book or maybe just reading aloud to the children
in the library…I don’t know. It’s
all in God’s hands right now. But
until I get my voice back, I am going to be typing like a fiend to get all
these thoughts out.
Be praying that I continue
to receive revelation about this writing, wordsmithery, etc. I wouldn’t mind if a few prayers went
up re: the return of my voce, I do have a public speaking event coming up in a
week…co-hosting the squad talent show…kind of a big deal 😉 Anyway, thanks for “listeningâ€� God
bless!
