This post may be long, but it is full of unashamed vulnerability. Please read with an open heart.
I am moving back to Indiana in two weeks, and I wanted to better explain why this move is tough for me.
You may not know me or the struggles I have faced. In fact, I have been great at pretending to be okay, strong, happy, or to have any postive emotion for many years without anyone really knowing the extint of pain I felt. I’ve actually struggled with major depression, an anxiety disorder, loss (of loved ones and opportunities), emotional abuse, toxic “friendships”, and much more all at the same time. It had been overwhelming and exhausting. I lost myself trying to care for everyone else’s emotions and needs. I didn’t know what I liked to do, what my goals were, what I felt, or even who my friends were (if I had any at all).
Before I moved to Colorado, five months ago, I cried myself to sleep most nights without anyone aware. I’ve even cried in front of others in public without anyone even noticing. I have felt unwanted, invisible, and very alone for a long time in my family, in my hometown, even in my local church.
The only times I felt like a true version of myself were when I volunteered locally and on mission trips. I find it quite sad that I felt accepted and wanted when away from what was called home more than I did with biological family. However, it helped me to realize that I was made to help others, especially through emotional pain. I want everyone to know you can be vulnerable and shouldn’t feel ashamed for having emotions. This is part of my mission.
Missions is so much more than travelling and meeting people. Missions is connecting with people where they are and loving them regardless of their pasts. It is introducing them to someone who loves them so much that He took all our shame and all of our sins onto himself, then died on a cross in our place. Jesus loves us so much that he came to earth and experienced every hurt that we face so we know that we don’t face any suffering alone. He is my strength, my hope, my joy. I have been to many emotional dark valleys, but he was my light. I trust him to continue guiding me through this uncertain time, too.
Before any comments, questions, judgements, or opinions please remember that you never know what someone is really going through unless you ask. Take the time to care for everyone. Be kind, patient, and loving; never selfish, prideful, or judgemental. You haven’t walked in their shoes. Even if you have gone through a similar season, you are not them.
I took five months in Colorado to heal emotionally and grow spiritually. I am not perfect. My journey isn’t like anyone else’s. I still have a long way to go, but I am not where I was. I refuse to be looked down upon for not living up to anyone’s expectations. I respect your opinion, but I trust God more. He is the only one who knows what my future holds.
I am broken yet strong, struggling but perseverant, scared and still trusting. I am not ashamed of my battles or of not living up to certain standards. I am doing my best by running the race laid out before me while falling over many obstacles and missing a few turns along the way. I get back up, and continue forward.
Today, I am healthy yet still healing. I will be going back “home” in two week and it brings up a lot of past emotional struggles. I don’t want to be apathetic or pretend the pain never exsisted. It will be something I always have to be aware of for self-care purposes and as a reminder of how far God has brought me.
I have had wonderful experiences in my life too, but this is what has been weighing on my heart. It wouldn’t be healthy to hold it in.
Thank you for letting me share.
