These past few weeks, my heart has been
in a place of brokenness and discontentment. I have constantly been
feeling attacked by satan and I’m not going to lie, he got in a few
good punches. Instead of being filled with joy and consumed by God’s
love, I felt like I was in constant battle filled with fear and
doubt. Just to feel His presence and get into His word was a
struggle. I have been constantly questioning every choice I have made
up to this point….even the choice to go on the World Race. I have
felt alone and completely empty. I lost a community of squad mates
when I switched and it was all my heart could focus on. I then began
to think about all of the mistakes I had made and all of the
relationships that are now lost because of them. Instead of focusing
on the relationships that God has blessed me with, my entire being
was focused on the ones that I didn’t have. I lost sight of what He
has already done in my life. I began to slip back into the woman that
I used to be before He called my name. Insecurity began to creep back
into my mind. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be used. I’ll
always feel alone. I’ll always be alone. I’ll always struggle with my
sinful desires. I’ll never be completely whole. I’ll never find
complete joy. My heart will never feel satisfied.
My heart was consumed. I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I got down on
my knees in desperation and began to cry to my Father.
What the heck is going on?! Just a
few days ago, you spoke to me in my car! I was consumed by Your love
and you captivated me by your heart and now here I am feeling worse
off than I did before! Why do I feel this way?! Why am I so easily
distracted from You? What is going on in my heart?
Do you remember that conversation I
had with you in Africa before you chose into freedom? Do you remember
that place of brokenness you were in and how I began to restore your
heart through it? You see, these past few months since being back
from Africa, you have been guarding your heart but not in the way
that I want you to. You have put a shield around it trying to avoid
feeling any emotion for the things around you. You have been so
scared of getting hurt again and instead of being vulnerable and
allowing me to guard your heart, you created a shell around it. You
lost compassion. You lost your care for the world around you and in
that you lost your passion for your calling. I had to intervene. I
had to interrupt your funeral. I knew that if you continued down that
path, eventually it would kill your spirit. So, I decided to break
that shell. I captivated your heart and by doing that your heart
became soft and vulnerable. All of these emotions that you are
feeling have been bottled up and I needed to expose them. I needed to
purify your heart of all the lies that have infected it so that I
could then fill it with the truth that you have so easily forgotten.
You ARE loved. You ARE set free. You ARE enough for me. All you can
focus on is the mistakes that you have made but what I see is the
woman that you have become through me. You are filled with my Spirit
and you have no idea what I am going to do through you. I have
ordained you as one of my children and through you my Kingdom is
going to be brought to this earth. You are going to use your
brokenness and your past to bring healing to those who have lost all
hope. I am going to send you into the darkest places of this world to
be a beacon of hope. You are going to make MY name known.Do not doubt
your calling. Do not doubt your identity. Do not fear the unknown.
You have a story of redemption. Stop focusing on the mistakes but
look at what has come through it. The story of the cross doesn’t end
at my Son’s suffering. It doesn’t even end in the tomb when his
suffering ended. It ends in his resurrection and continues through
the lives redeemed from it. You’re story is the same my love. Your
story doesn’t end in the mistakes you have and it doesn’t even end in
the freedom that you have received. Your story continues with the
hope that you are going to bring because of it. I use the rescued to
rescue. Trust in me. Do not fear. Be bold. I love you.
That
conversation radically transformed my spirit. I went from being
filled with fear to filled with an unexplainable peace. AHHH!!!!! I
cannot even explain in words how my spirit feels 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 My
eyes have once again been opened to His majesty! I know without a
doubt that I am called to this race and to bring His Kingdom. Not
only do I know that I have been called but I am SO on fire for this
journey. He has reignited the flame inside of me. I have NO idea what
is in store for my future but I what I do know is that I am seriously
in love with Jesus. Like….SERIOUSLY in love and I want everyone
else to be in love with him too! Christ pulled me out of the ashes,
out of a pit of depression (like serious depression) and set me free!
How freaking amazing is that?! How could I not want to give my life
to him??
These
past few days have been incredible for me spiritually. I have had to
deal with a lot of things that had infected my heart but I AM BACK!
Bring on the battle satan because I am ready to fight! I have been
restored like never before. Joyful. That is what I am. I reached out
to God and He answered. I was in desperate need of community and I
have received more encouragement in these past few days then I can
believe. My new squad is seriously the bomb and I cannot wait to get
to know them more. He took my brokenness and make it into
awesomenness 🙂 Dang, I just love Jesus.
My Love,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I
love your never ending grace. I love the mercy you have for me. I
love that you take my brokenness and make it beautiful. I love your
ability to purify my soul. I love your heart. I love that you never
change. I love your strength. I love your sacrificial love. I love
your wisdom. I love your power. I love your humility. I love your
desire to serve. I love that you are perfect. I love that you are
always here with me. I love that you are relational and not distant.
I love that despite my stupidity and craziness you still love me with
all your heart. I love that you are jealous for me. I love your
protection as a lover and a father. I love your desire for me to stay
pure. I love your FEIRCENESS. I love your justice. I love your
confidence. I love that you are meticulous. I love that your plan can
never be thwarted. I love your majesty. I love the ability to sit in
your presence. I just LOVE you! Thank you for my freedom! Thank you
for never leaving me! Thank you for the amazing opportunity to spread
your Glory! Thank your my loving family! Thank you for the most
amazing friends I could ever ask for! Thank you for the opportunity
to go to school! Thank you for the ability to worship you every
Sunday morning! Thank you for the job I have! Thank you for my
health! Thank you for my new squad! And most of all, THANK YOU FOR
SENDING YOUR SON TO DIE ON A CROSS AND THEN RAISING HIM FROM THE DEAD
SO THAT I COULD BE FREE!! I will walk in your freedom! I will be
bold! I will proclaim your name! I will be a beacon of hope! I will
not waste my life! My heart goes out to you!
With all my love,
Brittany
“In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the depths,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
I said, ‘I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.’
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, LORD my God,
brought my life up from the pit.
“When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
“Those who cling to worthless idols
turn away from God’s love for them.
But I, with shouts of grateful praise,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the LORD.’�
