I suck at loving other people. That sounds bad but I am just going to be honest here. I mean, sure, I am GREAT at loving people who are nice to me and like me and encourage me but those people that annoy me, talk down to me, don't agree with me and don't "love" me? Yeah those people…I rarely show them love. Now, why am I telling you this?
Two days ago I bought this book and even though it wasn't the Bible, God really convicted me through it. It's called Blue LIke Jazz by Donald Miller. If you have never read/heard of it, I highly recommend looking into it. The moment I started reading it, I couldn't put it down and ended up reading it all in one day. Yeah, it's that good…well atleast I think it is. Don't feel pressured to like it as much as I do. Anyways, so I started reading this book and spent all day yesterday sitting in a coffee shop close to campus reading and by 8pm, I felt accomplished. Once I got to the end, the only thought going through my mind was "Well, that was a pretty good book!" God had other plans…He was about to teach me something that I think He has been trying to teach me for a VERY long time but I am just to stubborn and controlling to actually listen to Him (like I said in my last post…I tend to act like a spoiled brat when it comes to my relationship with my Father). So, after finishing the book, I walked outside feeling pretty good about myself and then I got in my car…….Side note: God seems to like to teach me things in my car. I'm not really sure why but whenever I am in my car, I always seem to really be able to hear God the most and alot of things that I have been convicted about this past year has happened in my car. I guess it's because it''s just me, God, and my car.
So, the moment I got into my car, no joke I started crying. I don't mean like a few tears were coming out of my eyes. I mean, like balling my eyes out kind of crying. Honestly, at the moment, I really had no idea why. It was just as if all of a sudden, I knew that God was there with me and He was trying to speak to me. I couldn't put it into words, so all I did was cry. It was so strange to me. I have heard God speak to me before and I have definitely cried being in the presence of my Father but this was different. This wasn't just an emotional experience. I wasn't in the middle of some awesome worship set. Nothing had happened to me yesterday to prompt the crying. I was actually feeling like I was in a really good place. This was just……God.
Okay, back to why I mentioned Blue Like Jazz in the beginning. The last few chapters of the book, Donald Miller talks about love and how he came to learn how to love other people and learn to love himself in return. He goes into how Christ loves everyone and therefore we are called to love everyone as well. I have heard that so many times growing up but last night I realized that I have not been a very loving person to people who are not part of my "group." That is why I started crying. Ever since I have returned from Africa, I have claimed to be this follower of Christ and yet have missed out on one of the greatest commandments ever given. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I have talked bad about people, judged those who I felt weren't "living the right way" and in NO way have I been a light to those in the darkness. As I sat there in my car, crying, God and I had a pretty good convo.
"I want you to love. Love everyone. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Up to this point, your love has been very conditional and that is not how it is supposed to be. You claim to love me and follow me then why do you not love my people? Love as I love. You screw up all the time and you have done some pretty hurtful things to me, but my love never changes for you. I don't see you as a screwup. I see you as my beautiful daughter. I see you as a princess. You are my precious jewel and that will never change. Look at people through my eyes and you will see. You will not see them for their mistakes but you will see them for what they truly are….my children. I want to see all of my children grow and flourish but how can they when you pass judgment on them and treat them as though their mistakes are what defines them? I do not treat you that way, so do not treat others that way. I love you my dear. Always and forever."
"Father, you are so right! I have not been a loving person. I am quick to judge and have gotten so caught up in looking like I have it all together that I have forgotten what you have told me to do. I have been trying so hard to figure out how to bring your kingdom to this earth and have been so frustrated because nothing I do seems to work out. God, I am so sorry for not loving your children. I am so sorry for being prideful and thinking that I am above them. My stupid pride has gotten in the way of ministering to people and that sucks to think. Please forgive me. I want to change. You are so loving and have never given up on me despite all the crap I have done to you. Teach me how to love like you love. Teach me how to love unconditionally. Humble me. I am so sorry for talking bad about people when I should be speaking life into them. I am so sorry for not sticking up for your children when others begin to talk down about them. I am sorry for not being bold like you have called me to be. The more I know you God, the more I realize how far I am from being like you. Thank you for convicting me and not condeming me. You're so amazing……Once again, God, I'm sorry."
"You are forgiven. Now go. Love. Be the light. However, there is one thing that I want to ask of you before you do that. I have forgiven you but now I want you to go to others who you have not shown love to and apologize to them. Even if they don't know that you have not shown them love and even if they think its crazy that you would apologize to them, I want you to do this. You need to make your wrongs right. And it's not just your friends. This is to the people that you have only met once and judged them right from the start. I want you to apologize to everyone. By doing this, you will show them that you care and in effect that I care. By you showing them love, you will show them how I love."
"Okay God….I'll go."
Here is my apology…..
Dear (insert your name here),
I know this may sound crazy and I know you probably don't think that I have done anything wrong but I have. I need to apologize to you and I want you to know that this is really coming from my heart. I have claimed for my entire life, but especially this past year, that I am a Christian and yet, I really havn't been acting like one. I have not been very loving towards you and for that I am truly sorry. Because you are not like me, I have been judging you. Sure, when I see you I put a smile on my face and converse with you in a nice way but in my mind I have been judging you from the start. In my mind and when I leave you, I think to myself how much you annoy me and how much I really just don't want to talk to you anymore. I have talked bad about you behind your back and when other people talk about you, I just sit there and agree with them. I am so sorry…really I am. All of those mistakes that you have made…..I have been holding them against you. Instead of seeing through the eyes of God, I have been looking at you through the eyes of the world. I have judged you based on how you dress, what you say, what you like, whether or not you go to church and whether or not I think you living your life the way I think you should be living it. I may call myself your friend but I have not been acting like it. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry for not showing you love. I am not called to condemn people. I am called to love them. I want to change that. You are a beautiful child of an amazing Father in Heaven who loves you unconditionally. I want to and will do the same. I will encourage you and if you ever just need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I am here for you. I don't care that you have a past…we all do. I don't care what you have done to me or anyone else before this moment. We all do things we regret….God knows I have. That is the beauty of grace. I don't care if you're not a Christian. I don't care that you have never stepped foot inside of a church and don't plan to anytime soon. I don't care what you do on the weekends. I don't care that you're not perfect. It's okay because I'm not either. I am sorry that I have been prideful and looked down on you. I am sorry that my pride and judgement has gotten in the way of me getting to know the beautiful child that God has created. I want you to know that you are loved and not only by me but by your creator, your Father, your Daddy. He doesn't care that you have messed up and neither will I. I do want to say that like you, I am human and I am going to mess up. Please have grace. I probably will not show you love like I should at some point and if I do, please keep me accountable. So, once again, I want to say that I am sorry. Please forgive me and know that I do love you and am going to try my hardest to show you that and to show you that God loves you too.
Love,
Brittany
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
Matthew 5:43-48
