The truth behind the smile. Part 1
We all know the saying 'don't judge a book by its cover', but do we really understand it? I think if we truly understood and followed it, this world would be so different.
I've always been that girl with a huge smile and bubbly personality. I had guys tell me that I was one of the sweetest girls they had met. That I was truly a 'good' girl. Some said I just had 'that contagious personality' that seemed to be the life of a party. But what most didn't know, was the self insecurity, depression, and anxiety that I had. It can be easy to put a smile on and act like everything is perfect. On the outside, I was so joyful and happy, but on the inside, I was hurt and lonely.
I grew up always being extremely skinny. I almost seemed anorexic. I couldn't wear lavender because people would ask if I was sick. I always had a fast metabolism, was active in sports, and could eat a whole bunch. But I also know that I went through a period of not eating as much, and just feeling down about myself. I had girls tell me I looked too tomboyish, and that I needed to dress up more and look nicer if I wanted a boyfriend. Little did they know that a couple years down the road, I would audition and star in a PSA, and do a little photo shoot for this upscale hair salon in Maryland 😉 But anyways, . . . I went on the missions trips, church camps, and youth outings. I had my boyfriends, first kiss, first heartache, first of typical growing up stuff.
I'm not exactly sure when the self conscious issues started. Wether it was when I was in the 2nd grade when a girl made me upset by telling my my shorts weren't the correct length (I had really long arms and long legs, so everything looked too short, even though they weren't), or when these girls thought it would be funny to turn the lights off, laugh, and shut the door when I was still washing my hands in the bathroom (could be part of the reason why I'm kinda scared of the dark even now), or little comments that were made. It could be that in America's society today, to be the 'it girl' you have to be pretty, popular, skinny, with perfect hair, makeup, and clothes. Thanks to tv, magazines, movies, and commercials, we are are subconsciously taught that we must have the 'it look' to fit in. A few years down the road, a few boyfriends and heartbreaks later, and lots of pounds later, here I was. I became very self conscious about how I looked. And even when I looked my best, I always found flaws and then that's what I would think about.
I was better able to hide the sadness and insecurities, but I also picked up more issues. Because of some things that had happened with or after a certain relationship or two, I also picked up big trust issues, anxiety, and more insecurities. If you had asked me (and still will answer the same most of the time nowadays) how I was doing, I would have said that I was good and that things were going fine. But in all reality, those were big coverups for what I didn't want to admit to anyone. I did seek some counciling from my youth pastor, and I tried praying and reading the bible. Doing the things that I was taught to do when you hit rough times. But it wasn't working. I spiraled down to a point where when it came time for Christmas, I didn't care. I've always loved Christmas, but that year, it was just another day.
I didn't take compliments very well either. I would make excuses (and still sometimes do) if a guy gives me a compliment. I would tell myself that they were probably told to say that, or that they didn't really think it. I looked down on myself and thought that I looked disgusting and that there was no hope for me. I didn't feel like I fit into any group, and I felt alone. Yet on the outside, I was a girl who could make people smile, and was told that they just loved my laugh.
I still struggle with some of these thoughts. I still have trust issues. I still am super self conscious. And I'm still scared of a lot of little things. BUT. Even though I have those issues. I know that my God is BIGGER than those problems. And the more I lean on Him, the more I can open up, knowing that I am loved by the one true God.
You see, you never truly know what someone is going through unless your them. Like that girl who goes from guy to guy, that could be all she knows and sees at home, or maybe that her dad disowned her and its the only way she feels that she can replace the love that her dad never gave her. Or what about that school bully. He could be acting out in anger because of problems at home. Or that special needs person you make fun of. He could be the nicest person you could ever meet in your life. The shy girl who seems emotionally unstable? Her mom could be in the hospital dying. You see, you never know what someone is going through unless you are them, or unless you try to see things through their shoes.
Thankfully, I met Christ, and he turned my MESS, into a MESSAGE.
