Someone once told me that I need to “fake it till I make it”. I was having a rough day at prison ministry and someone said something that I didn’t like and I was upset but I was told to put on a smile and pretty much get over it. That saying has resounded with me for a while and I didn’t know how much it has affected me.
This past month in Nepal, I shut down. I started the month out getting over a parasite that I got in Cambodia and so I was out for a few days but then once my body healed, my mind and my heart were still absent from ministry. My team’s ministry for the month was ‘friendship ministry’. Basically we went different places every day and just talked to people. There was nothing specifically that we had to talk about but obviously the goal was to build a relationship in a very short amount of time so we could feel comfortable telling them about the Lord. This was so far outside of my comfort zone and I really just didn’t want to do it.
I only half went to ministry and I definitely didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I didn’t want to do anything about it except wait for it to be over. And that is what I did. I sat around and waited for the month to be over. I can sit and make excuses for what I did but the reality was I was absent and I didn’t care.
I came into debrief with the same attitude. I didn’t necessarily want to quit and go home but I didn’t want to be here either. I didn’t really like my team all that much, I am sick of eating food that I don’t like or being hungry. I was over the world race but the thing is, I am only in month 6. Month 6, half way, I have made it so far….but have I?
I was sitting in a 1 on 1 with my squad mom and she straight up asked me why am I here? Why haven’t I gone home yet? And the sad thing is, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know why I was here; I didn’t know why it was so hard for me and seemingly so much easier for everyone else. I didn’t know why I was always on teams that I didn’t want or at ministry sights that weren’t what I was looking for. I was only thinking about myself. And on top of that, I felt so much like I needed to be needed. But no one needed me so I made myself need me. It sounds confusing, but I did everything I could to control my race, my ministry, my team, and my life. I tried to be my own savior and it didn’t work.
IT DIDN’T WORK!
This is when I had the realization that once again, I let my pride take over. I took control of my life and I hit the ground, face first, and I hit it hard. I was not only hurting myself, I was also hurting everyone around me.
I thought I was just doing the ‘fake it till you make it’ thing but really I was doing the ‘I don’t need Jesus, I can do this’. So last night, I was talking to my squad mom (again) about some things that upset me and in that moment she asked THE question. The salvation question. The one that you get asked in middle school at church camp while sitting around the fire ring. The one that seems so simple yet is so complicated but COMPLETELY necessary. Once again, I didn’t know how to answer. I feel like I know that God loves me but I don’t always trust it. And I feel like I want to have unfailing faith but I also like being in control and I can’t have both. That is exactly the answer, I CAN’T HAVE BOTH. So I swallowed my pride, I took a deep breath, and I came before the Lord. I admitted defeat and that I needed help. I needed HIM. I needed this life to be controlled by Him and not by me. To be led by Him, to be for Him and to have Him living in and through me.
No wonder this race has been so hard. No wonder I feel overwhelmed and overrun.
Last night, I made the proclamation, I asked the Lord to be with me and live through me, and I submitted my life to God. After that, I made it to the front of the room and danced like never before. I sang ‘Pharaoh, Pharaoh’ with my squad and laughed. That morning, I woke up angry and frustrated but by last night, I was singing and dancing like a crazy person. I feel like when I am now asked ‘why are you here?’, I can say that I am here because the Lord has called me here and I know THIS is where I need to be. I need to live in this community. I need to be surrounded with all these crazy people who love Jesus, love each other and love me more than I can understand. This is where I have been called and this is where I need to be during this season.
I miss my family and my friends tremendously but life is comfortable in Ohio. I need to be uncomfortable so I can accept the changes and the life that the Lord has planned for me. I am going to finish this race. I am going to finish it well and I am going to spend these next 5 months soaking every bit of knowledge and wisdom I can. I am going to actually pursue the Lord instead of pretending that I am. I am going to learn how to live in community no matter how long it takes. And I can’t do this without support from you. I need prayer. I need love. And I am still in need of funds.
I am a little less than $5,000 away from being fully funded. The deadline for that is Sunday. I could run the risk of being sent home if I don’t raise this money very, very soon. I had a great revelation last night and I am ready to go forward on this crazy journey and for the first time, I am all in. Please prayerfully consider supporting my journey by clicking the support me tab. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
