It was a couple months ago, back when I was in Ireland, that
I had a pretty big realization about myself- a revelation from God. We were at
the Awakening, a massive conference/worship event, and we were having evening
worship with Jonathan David Helser. And I was struggling. I was struggling to
worship or even pray and really feel like I was talking to anything but the
ceiling. I was getting extremely frustrated, especially since I was surrounded
by hundreds of people who seemed to be easily entering into the presence of the
Lord. Helser started talking about God as our Father; he started calling him
‘Papa’ and ‘Daddy’. I cringed in discomfort. What is my deal? I thought. I don’t have Daddy issues- my Dad is
wonderful and always has been. So why do I struggle to think of God as ‘Papa’?
The well-known story of the prodigal son came to mind (Luke
15). It’s a beautiful story of God’s grace for us. It’s the story of a son who
asks for his father’s inheritance and then leaves and blows it all. Eventually
the son is so miserable, he comes home to his father. Instead of being angry,
the father is overjoyed that his son has returned. It’s a beautiful story
because this is the kind of unrelenting love that God has for us- He welcomes
us home after we have turned away from Him.
So why does the story annoy me?
Then it hit me: in this story, I feel like the other
brother. The end of the parable talks about how the other son is angry when the
father joyfully welcomes home the prodigal son with a feast and celebration.
He’s angry and protests saying to his father “Look, these many years I have
served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young
goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came,
who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf
for him!� If I’m honest with myself, I’ve felt this way often. There are so
many incredible stories of people being so far off the deep end and then
turning back to God- amazing stories of God’s redemption. And sometimes instead
of praising God for His amazing grace when I see these people doing incredible
things for the kingdom, I’m jealous that he has gifted these individuals with
amazing abilities. I pout like the jealous sibling because I feel like I’ve
been pretty faithful in staying with God my whole life, yet I feel like I don’t
have a lot of talents and gifts like those who have returned after going crazy.
That sucks. It’s pretty embarrassing to admit, and as I see it on the computer
screen, I don’t really want to post this. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I
haven’t been perfect, I know that I’ve had my seasons of turning away from God.
But as I read the parable, this is how I feel. I hate that I’m like that. But
the more I let myself feel what I was feeling, the more God started to reveal
the issue behind the emotions. These feelings of jealousy and frustration come
out of a heart that does not truly understand God’s character and love.
The story ends with the father telling the angry son who has
always stayed with him, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is
yours.� The son had missed out on relationship with his father because he
thought he had to work and please his father in order to receive his love and
good gifts. He didn’t actually spend time in relationship with his father so he
didn’t know his father’s heart. The father doesn’t love his son because of what
he does or because he has earned it (clearly, because he embraces the son who
has abandoned him and spoiled his inheritance). He loves him because he’s his
child. He loves him because he chooses to. Likewise, God does not love me
because of what I do. He loves me because he chooses to, because I am his daughter,
because He is my Father. I’ve wasted so much of my life thinking I have to earn
God’s love, that I’ve missed knowing Him in relationship and knowing His
unending love for me. So I’ve spent the last two months asking my Father to
show me the truth of His love. I’ve been asking Him to transform my heart so
that my actions are not done in an attempt to earn anything, but are a response
to knowing how much He loves me. God is so good. He loves you for who you are,
not what you do. He is waiting with arms open wide to celebrate your return
from whatever you have been going through. It’s knowing His heart and character
and love that’s going to change us. It changes how we live and love. Knowing
that we are loved perfectly and unconditionally by God sets us free to love
others the same way.
“Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it
is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable
or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things. Love never ends.�
