A little after two weeks of living in community, and my mind
and heart are kind of a mess. In a good way- don’t worry Mom and Dad.
Week one, I was putting my best foot forward. I was being
intentional in talking to everyone, staying up late to bond, and just putting
in some effort in general. Week two rolls around, and I find myself sinking
back into this place of reservation and seclusion- a place I’ve been in for a
very long time. For quite a while now, I’ve guarded my heart from being truly
known by people. I’ve been burned. It happens. Life happens. I used to pursue
people no matter how many times they hurt me. But somewhere along the way I
shut down. I went into self-preservation mode and decided it was better to be
safe than to get hurt.
Honestly, it has been a very lonely place. It has been a
very emotionless place. It sucks to not really feel anything, to not really be
known by anyone. Some of you might be reading this and be thinking- “what is
she talking about?? I know her!� And I’m sure that’s probably true to some
degree, but I know that there’s a part of me that has been shut down to pretty
much everyone.
So all this numbness and desire to just “get through� each
day came back very suddenly this past week, and I have been so frustrated with
myself. How can my heart be numb and just
blah when I’m in the midst of this incredible journey?? And then I started
to freak out and wonder whether this year will change me at all. What if I go home the exact same. NO! I
don’t want to keep living like this! But I just didn’t feel like doing
anything else… I shouldn’t have to force things, right?
Thankfully, God is so faithful. He’s going to finish the
work He has started in me. I believe it. Thursday night we were having a little
worship time before we started feedback as a team, and three seconds into the
first song, tears just started spilling out of my eyes. Uh, embarrassing. So I
subtly stepped out onto the balcony to spare my team from my ugly cry face, and
I proceeded to bawl for the rest of worship. PTL (praise the LORD) for some emotions! FINALLY! God started to
bring some things to the front of my mind that I need to deal with, things that
my will needs to be broken on so that I can experience the change that I so
desire. I go back in for feedback and know that I need to share. I need to be
vulnerable. I’m about to spill my guts, but some other issues take the
forefront. I listen to what’s being said (and it’s actually some of the most
real/intense feedback we’ve had as a team so far), but I don’t really participate
in the discussion since I’m internally wrestling with myself and at the same
time trying not give myself away by the sweat on my forehead and upper lip.
When the other issues are finished, I’ve basically talked myself out of
sharing. Logan offers up a comment about how processing isn’t meant to be done
alone and that if we’re working through things, we need to share it with at
least one person. Aw crap Logan, okay. So I open my mouth and out flows some
things that I really don’t want other people to know about me. Some things that
I have done that are so selfish and hurtful, and that remain unknown by other
people so that I can pretend like they don’t exist. Gut spilling ensues along
with the awkward tension in my throat from trying not to cry. The looks on my
teammates’ faces are nothing but love and support. Uh, seriously guys are you hearing what I’m saying? Then the words that they speak to me are
nothing but loving and encouraging. Wow,
this is what it feels like to be vulnerable again. Kind of good, in a
freaked out sort of way.
So now some things are out in the open. Oh, for sure it’s
just the beginning of things. But being honest with other people helps me to be
honest with myself. It helps me acknowledge the things that are there and that
need to be dealt with. And now I have accountability to make sure I’m dealing
with them. Yay community! Really, I’m excited. I’m excited that our team as a
whole is starting to step out and be vulnerable with each other.
Yikes, personal blog. I’m going to pretend like you didn’t
just read this.
