To The Boy Who Broke My Heart

I loved you to the best of my ability. But it wasn’t enough.

I wanted so desperately to be yours. And I was…for awhile.

I remember the first time you looked at me in that house. I sat on the floor in awe. That someone like you would see someone like me.

You stole my heart with your charisma and your passion. You spoke about me like no one ever has, with tenderness and care, like I was a fragile piece of glass you valued so dearly. But I knew deep down I was more like the old dusty cigarette tray.

Things started so perfect between us. Like two pieces of a puzzle that finally found their way together. But all puzzles are eventually taken apart.

I thought I could fake my way through it. That if I pretended long enough that it would all become true. That maybe, just maybe all the lies that filled my head would finally disappear.

So I became an actress. Because whenever I had let myself be truly known it was never enough. For friends, for boys, for anyone.

But my show was a disaster of course. I never have been good at acting. And soon enough you found out how much of a mess was behind the curtain. And it was something your love could never fix. Not that you wanted to at this point.

Your eyes became hollow so quickly. You were there physically but I knew that emotionally you had left me and you never planned to return. But I tried anyways to earn your affections back.

It wasn’t long til you left for good, almost as fast as the speed of light. And you took all of me with you.

To the boy who broke my heart:
I’m sorry, but it’s time.

I thought that love meant you helped put me back together. I didn’t know that I needed to be whole first. Or maybe I did, and I just deceived myself into thinking I was whole when we met.

I’ve been sitting among the ashes and dust of what’s left of me for so long. But this is my public declaration that I won’t any longer. This is me letting go now and forever more.

Forgiveness does not mean that everything is going to go back to the way it was. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we become ignorant to what happened. But what forgiveness does is open a door for redemption. Because the reality was we were both just two broken people seeking true human connection.

So I forgive you for breaking my heart. In fact, I want to thank you for breaking it. 

Because you breaking it was the beginning of me gaining my life back.

I no longer see myself as the 14 year old girl being taken advantage of.
I no longer depend on the approval of men to determine my worth.
I am no longer a victim.

I left to run away.
But what I really did was run into the arms of the Father.

And here’s what He whispered:

I am chosen of God.
Holy and dearly loved.
Wanted and redeemed.

I don’t just know these things anymore.
I am sure of these things.
Simply because you left me.
So thank you.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me.