Good morning from INDIA!
It’s been a little over a week since we’ve been here and I’ve been really praying about what to write about. So let me tell you a little bit about what I’ve done since we’ve been here:
I’ve moved dirt into holes and jumped on it to make it level.
I’ve moved hundreds…and I mean hundreds of bricks up and down stairs.
I’ve hiked up the local prayer mountain.
I’ve been to a local soccer tournament.
I’ve played volleyball in the rain.
I’ve rolled a bunch of cotton into cotton balls for the local hospital here.
I’ve prayed over people lying in hospital beds.
I’ve washed dishes.
I’ve attempted to learn the hmar language around a fire with our hosts.
I went to an outer village with a medical clinic and got lost in all the local children.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve been frustrated more times than not this month. Most of the time our “scheduled ministry” ends by lunch time. And If I’m honest, out of all these things I’ve only had one day out of ten that had any kind of ministry I really wanted to do. As if I couldn’t be more frustrated it’s rained literally every day since we’ve been here. I’m out of clothes to wear because everything I own is soaked and smelly, and nothing will dry because there’s no sun and I don’t want to risk running around in the rain soaking my last pair of clean clothes. I’ve heard of these kinds of things happening on the race…but month one?
So I’ve been seeking the Lord.
“What can I be doing this month that builds kingdom?”
But it wasn’t til my sweet, sweet teammate Amy posed a thought in one of our team times that I had a real revelation:
“Why does our heart have to be broken for us to obey God’s command?”
So many of us, myself included, have fallen into the habit of asking God to break our hearts for what breaks His. But he’s already told us what breaks His heart. He’s already revealed it all to us in His word. He’s given us the Holy Spirit to be our guide.
But what I’m learning here in India this month is that sometimes we don’t like what obeying God’s command looks like for us.
So maybe this month isn’t so much about the ministry and more about learning to sit at the feet of Jesus. Maybe it looks a little like rolling cotton balls so nurses don’t have to. Or having what I like to call “individual appointments” with each one of my squadmates to hear details about their lives. Or maybe it looks a little like having someone share her testimony for the first time ever with me.
I said I wanted to learn how to do ministry when it isn’t what I want to do. So here I am, month one, already learning what that looks like. Learning that my heart doesn’t always have to be “broken” for me to do the things that the Lord asks of us as believers.
So that’s an update from the ministry side of things but I really felt the Father also wanted me to share a little from my time at His feet.
So here’s a journal entry from my time at the feet of Jesus:
I am a princess.
It’s 6:15 in the morning and I’m staring at the beautiful tapestry of a tent we get to eat every meal in. I haven’t heard or felt the Lord in awhile. Probably 2 months. I want to be in tune. I want to be excited to be here. But I’m not really. I’m living enslaved. I’m living enslaved to my shame and my regrets. I haven’t made the wisest of choices in the past 2 years. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I should’ve chosen better. But as I’m sitting here reading my bible, I keep reading the parts about our God on a throne in Heaven. And I’m brought back to the idea that we are made in the image of God. If I’m adopted (which I am), if I’m His daughter (which I am) and if our God is on a throne in heaven then that means I am a princess. That means that I get to sit right next to my dad in Heaven. These chains I am binding myself to don’t belong to me. I’ve been chasing the emotional intimacy of God these past few months while denying His physical presence. Not anymore. I’m finally understanding what He means when He says “I am with you always..” I’m exchanging my chains for the crown that belongs on my head. I’m choosing to be the princess that the Father has seen me as all along. I may not always feel like one, but my identity doesn’t change based upon my feelings. I am a child of God, and it’s time I start acting like one. I will miss out on so many things this year if I remain a woman in hiding.
So here’s to learning how to live in freedom:
Freedom from expectations
Freedom from hiding
Learning to live free
