You want to know what really freaking sucks?
Intimacy.
Bet you didn’t expect that one if you know me at all. I am a person who craves intimacy and deep personal connection. If we’ve met up in the past 6 months you’ve heard me talk about intimacy and my frustrations with it.
I’ve been in one of those funks the past 2 months. Those “Why am I doing this?…I feel so unworthy?…Jesus are you listening to me?” kinda funks. I’ve been so tired. So exhausted. So drained. Struggling to find any motivation I can to keep moving. But you want to know what’s made it all so hard? Feeling like I’m not allowed to be those things. Feeling like its not okay to not be okay. So I did what I typically do when I feel uncomfortable…I ran. I packed a bag, my bible and my journal, got in my car and took off for 5 days with the holy spirit to lead the way.
If you read my last blog post you read about how I feel like I’ve been in a season of restoration.
Can I just be real with y’all? This past year has been complete shit. Finding healing and restoration for things is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 24 years of life. I’ve been hurting in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I’ve found wounds I didn’t even know I had from back when I was a teen. I’ve received news from doctors that changed plans for my future. And to make it worse…I lost everyone who I thought was important to me in the process.
But you know what I’ve discovered this past year? Intimacy with Jesus. I’ve discover how available God really makes Himself to us. And you know what that took? Me being intimate with God.
I think sometimes on this journey to be like Jesus we forget He had emotions. We forget that Jesus felt things.
We forget He wept over the death of His friend. We forget He celebrated things. We forget He got angry with His friends and His…not friends. We forget that He begged God not to make Him go through with what He would have to endure to save humanity.
We forget that even though Jesus was fully God, He was also fully human. Emotions included.
We have developed into a people group that is convinced we have to be okay. All. The. Time. And if we’re not, we hide behind our facebook posts or instagram shots of back when we were okay. We are absolutely terrified to tell people how we really feel. Hi…guilty as charged. Abba (or daddy God) is really sending me on this journey of intimacy and I really hate Him for it. Because I’ve really discovered that we as culture have no idea what intimacy even means anymore. Or maybe it’s just me. Either way I’m learning it’s definition…
Intimacy: a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, etc.
On my little 5 day adventure I spent a lot of time asking God what’s next? I’ve come out of the season I never thought would be over and I have just a little over 3 months left before I launch. How am I supposed to spend what time I have left before I go?
And here’s my answer: Intimacy.
I want to spend what time I have left before launch loving, learning from and encouraging all of the people in my life to just be. To be real. To be open. To not just be okay. But to not be okay. (Unless you really are okay) To be YOU.
I want to learn more about intimacy. Not just with people, but with Jesus. Because once you’ve seen a glimpse of who He really is, I truly believe you’ll want more. I always knew who Jesus was to other people. But in the past year I’ve truly discovered who Jesus is to me. What it difference it makes in my level of intimacy with God. And through that I’ve discovered who I am because I’m made in Him image.
I’ve discovered I love too much and I suck at boundaries. I’ve discovered I actually enjoy being alone when I used to be afraid of it. I discovered my love for coffee is real…I mean 4 coffee shops in one day? Not necessary. I’ve discovered that I love listening to people’s life experiences/stories. I’ve discovered asking people if you can pray with them isn’t as awkward as you think it is. I’ve discovered I’m easy to make laugh…and cry. I’ve discovered I have a gift of encouragement and empathy.
This whole journey of learning about intimacy has taught me that owning your story, being vulnerable and loving ourselves through the process is one of the bravest things we can ever do on this Earth. God already knows what you’ve done and what you’re going through at this very moment.You want to know the best news? He sees who you’re becoming and He will love you through the journey. He’s chosen you. He wants you. The inadequate, imperfect messy you. Not just the parts of you that are put together.
Let Him have it all and watch what He’ll do. I promise you won’t be disappointed. I’ve yet to be at least.
