I have days where I want to give my everything to bringing the Kingdom. Then I have days where I want to be in the back of a poorly lit bar, thoughts drowned out by music with a beer in my hand.
I have days where I am filled with joy, confidently sharing the Word with His lost, broken, or even semi-content children. Then I have days where I am hit in the face with how little I really know about His Word.
I have days where I float in His truth & grace like a feather in still water. Then I have days where I surrender to guilt, shame, and sin.
I have days where I can feel Him next to me, holding me, lifting me up. Then I have days where I am practically screaming like a toddler, begging Him to show me He is there, that He is listening.
Am I here of my own doing or of His alone? Was this His plan all along? Could this have been where I was supposed to be 6 years ago when I deliberately turned away from Him? What am I doing? Why am I here!? I’m going to end up alone, living in a shed with 6 dogs. Every day I have new questions. Every single morning, I have to have a conversation with myself, with the Lord, or with the people around me about what is real, what is true, and what is His. My heart battles my heart (Yes. I meant to type that).
Sometimes in these moments, I picture God on his throne, Jesus at his side. They look at each other, confident the Holy Spirit will do his job and lead me back to comfort in the truth. They shake their heads and laugh at me over complicating the Almighty’s love. God sees the big picture, and sometimes He shows it to me and I can settle in His plan on those days. The other days, the days where I am pulling my hair out, dragging my feet, questioning and contemplating, He just chuckles. The Lord has a sense of humor. We were made in His image, my friends, and I am hilarious, so I KNOW He laughs with us.
Most nights I convince myself that I am right where I am supposed to be. I fall asleep praying for everyone and everything that comes to mind, and thanking Him for everything He has given me. I pray for a hunger for His word. I crave to know Him more. But, some nights I just don’t care; I put in my headphones, turn up my music, and pretend I am anywhere else, doing anything else. Today I believe there is grace in that.
This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence. If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:19-20
You cannot read that verse and NOT feel it. You’re welcome.
The seasons of life are real, and the Word speaks of them. Today, right now, I accept it. I accept this world, His world, this body, my heart, my mind, His plans, His LOVE, His GRACE, & His TRUTH.
Tomorrow, I’ll start the battle again.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
