The House with No Mirrors
After our lush living conditions in Malaysia, I had mentally prepared myself to jump back into the 'real' world race- a life of living in tents, backs of churches and host families.
But when we showed up to our four story, six bedroom apartment-mansion in Cambodia, I realized that the Lord doesn't always meet our expectations, sometime He blows them out of the water.
I walked through the house investigating each bedroom contemplating which one I would like to live in for the next month. As I completed my tour of the house I realized something was missing…
This house didn't have mirrors.
Not a single one.
Not in the bedrooms,
not in any of bathrooms,not even the glass doors were reflective enough to see myself.
BUSTED.
I knew immediately that this wasn't just a coincidence.
The Lord had made sure there were no mirrors in this particular house because of me.
I was struggling.
I am still struggling as I write this blog.
But here comes honest, uncut Brittany…
COMPARISON
A nasty thing so deeply rooted in me, in women, in society, that sometimes we don't even realize its there.
We are taught to compare ourselves.
We play football games and keep score to see which team is better.
We hold auditions for the soccer team because some play better than others.
We rate gymnastics competitions because even when you're the best, you still aren't a 10.0
I have been floundering, sinking, no, I have been straight up drowning in comparison on the Race.
I have been comparing myself to fellow Racers as well as friends back home in every way possible.
Comparing clothes, body shape, athleticism, hair, personalities, laughs, strengths and everything in-between.
I had even began comparing myself to myself. I would look at pre-Race photos of myself and get jealous of my cute clothes, slender body and curled hair.
I have been so discouraged, distracted and enamored with comparison that it was becoming paralyzing.
My joy, found in the Lord, had been completely stolen and concealed by all the negative thoughts I was having.
I began believing the lies that were racing through my mind:
I wasn't beautiful anymore after gaining weight on the Race.
That I wasn't as disciplined as other girls who had continued their workout plans.
That my spiritual growth on the Race was unimportant.
That my future was lame and that I should have it figured out by now.
That the impact I was making wasn't substantial.
That I didn't have important spiritual gifts.
That I wasn't worthy of being loved and would always be lonely.
That I wasn't good enough to speak up.
The lies were endless.
If I had been walking in confidence in something, it was attacked with a lie.
If I had been walking in confidence in something, it was attacked with a lie.
The most debilitating one had to do with appearance. It felt like it was always right there staring me down.
I checked every mirror I could.
Daily, I thoroughly evaluated my outfit to everyone else's.
Was my outfit the cutest?
Was it the most flattering?
Where did I rate amongst other girls?
Was I good enough?
Was I still even pretty anymore as a sweaty, modestly dressed missionary?
Last Saturday night we attended PPHOP (Phnom Penh House of Prayer) for a few hours of worship in English!
We sang the song "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham
As we were singing the worship leader asked us to take a minute and tell the Lord why He was beautiful.
Being a creationist who loves the majestic beauty of mountains and oceans I immediately whispered, "Lord your beauty is reflected in your creation."
I was caught a little off guard when I heard Him respond, "YOU are my creation, therefore you are BEAUTIFUL too."
I stood there shocked.
He was right (duh.)
I am beautiful because He says I am.
Not because of how I compare to other girls, or magazine standards, or what I see in the mirror.
He calls me beautiful, so simply, I am beautiful.
I walked away (sort of) believing what He said.
My mind knew, but my heart still didn't understand.
This happened 7 days ago.
This week I walked slightly more confidently, but still not in freedom from comparison.
So here I am.
Raw, vulnerable, open, and honestly, slightly scared, Brittany.
I am bringing my struggles to the whole world.
As painful and humbling as it is, letting you see the icky, sinful part of me.
I am asking forgiveness from my sweet friends and fellow squad mates. I am sorry for comparing us. You are BEAUTIFUL and uniquely designed by the most wonderful Creator. Your distinctions should be celebrated, not minimized or resented. We have each been fearfully and WONDERFULLY made.
I proclaim that I am no longer enslaved to comparison. I advocate and celebrate uniqueness.
I am choosing to walk in freedom.
I say no to all the lies that have been whispered to me.
I am beautiful because Jesus says I am.
My worth is found in Jesus, not in what I see in the mirror or how I think I compare to others.
No more mirrors.
