Many of you know that Ruby has been adopted to a loving hindi family here in India. Many of you also know that tomorrow, I would have been reunited with her after 6 long months, and she’d be happy, healthy, and very much loved. I’d also give her a gift, a book about the time we spent together and every picture that I have of her, mostly for her mother so she could have those.
My stomach had been in knots all month…the anticipation would keep me up at night…when I imagined seeing her and holding her. I thought of the prayer I would want to pray with them. I would hand her mother a letter that I sobbed writing.
Then I would say goodbye…not knowing if they’d accept my contact email in case they wanted to send updates.
Either way, I wanted to say goodbye to the healthy girl I haven’t met yet. I have this image of her in my mind…but the image doesn’t age beyond the 5lbs, slightly bald, screech-cry baby I left 6 months ago.
Many of you have been praying for my reunion. Sponsoring me because of this reunion. And anticipating pictures and stories from this reunion.
That isn’t happening.
Her mother is refusing.
When I was told that Ruby’s mother was afraid of me…and refused to meet with me…my stomach dropped. I felt the blood drain from my face and the room began to spin. I grabbed the chair next to me for support and pleaded with our house manager to try again. I would meet her anywhere…a McDonalds…another neutral orphanage…her house…I didn’t care. I had a gift to give her! Just 5 mins! That’s all I wanted. I was beyond tears, I was in hysterics…trying to keep alive the dream I dreamt since I received the word that she’d gone to her new home. She promised she would try everything…Sarah herself promised to try.
I was told that Ruby has been in the hospital for Chicken Pox. And that her mother was afraid that if she saw me…Ruby would attach to me and I would adopt her. Really irrational, impossible, fear. She’s saturated in it.
My heart instantly hardened toward this woman. Not only did she take my Ruby away…but she was refusing to follow through with a promise because of absolutely impossible fears that she was having. Her own selfish views about her identity as Ruby’s mom were interfering with what I thought was going to be the end of my book with Ruby.
I excused myself to my room and sobbed…openly…loudly…angry. I hated her. I hated India. I hated that I had spent my time here in India…then and now. I hated my job. That it would mean saying goodbye to more kids. That I'd done so much, paid so much, and am not getting what I deserved. Then, I hated that I thought all of those things.
I sat on the floor…tears rolling down my cheeks…pleading with the Lord. Yelling at him. Shaking my fist. Why would he let me love a child this much? Why would He take her away from me when I had been prophesied over that she would be in my life long term, someway or another. Why would He get my hopes up?
I wiped my tears with the palms of my hands, walked to the bathroom, and splashed my face with water. Turning on autopilot, I walked over to my camera…checked if I had my SD card and battery in it, and without emotion packed it into my Kavu. I walked to the Courage Home, ready to take footage for the foster mom videos I am making. I walked through the door like it was my job…just something to keep me busy. The more I captured on film, the more the Lord began to break me. Seeing how Nicki and Tori love their babies…it took everything in me not to lose it right there.
My month with Ruby wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my love and personal feelings. This meeting wasn’t about me and my own selfishness. It was about loving a child who was shown and lived through so much brokenness and hate. It was about showing her the love of Jesus and coming along side of her…giving her a reason to fight for her life. It was about briefly showing her the love of a mother…the love she would get from her adoptive mother someday. I was her foster momma for one month. I shriveled up on the inside. Beginning to see who I was for the first time in a while.
The amount of selfishness I added to my feelings for her disgusted me.
I wanted to fall to my knees in shame and repentance. I did what the Lord called me to do for a really beautiful season. And that season is over. It has been over. I've clung to it like a vice grip. Desperate to keep the connection alive. For my own gain. Now I have the opportunity to love 132 kids in the same way. To find them homes and sponsors. What an incredible calling.
I will still leave the gift behind…the story of us. With a note to her mother about how much of an answer to prayer she is to me. And to her daughter. About how God saved her life…not me…and how it was an honor to be her auntie for a month. About how Ruby and them were so divinely matched. That she is a capable mother. That she is a good mother. That she has what it takes. That I am so proud of the mother Ruby has. And how I wish nothing but the richest blessings for her.
Even though I don’t get my goodbye.
