Over the course of the past 10 months, I’ve done everything from sobbing because it was time to leave a ministry, to praying that God would smite me with a sickness that would cause me to go home early. I’ve used receipts (yes, plural) for toilet paper (thank you India and Nepal…), I’ve eaten pig entrails wrapped in pig intestines and boiled in pig blood, I’ve washed my clothes in rivers, and gone 9 days without showering. I’ve been blocked up, and I’ve cried from never being able to stop. I’ve named at least 4 parasites that have lived inside me and wreaked havoc on my poor stomach (Good riddance : Juan, Steve, Chuck, Herman.). I’ve taken medicines I can’t pronounce that I paid two cents for, and have spent more money on food than I ever have in my life…just for the sake of #merica. I’ve had a travel day that ended up 72 hours longer than expected, and fallen 120ft to what should have been my death. I’ve had a full conversations with people who don’t speak a lick of English, and have gotten lost in some of the biggest cities in the third world.
I’ve made puppy friends in every country, given my heart to orphaned children around this beautiful world, and preached as my hands and voice shook from fear. I’ve dug out the sides of hills, helped to dig out boulders in the Honduran Dirt, and chisel a concrete basketball floor piece by piece. I’ve bought frozen yogurt for street kids, and been attacked by street kids all in the same week. I've swam in a perfectly still ocean…and slid down a volcano. I’ve made hard choices for the sake of spiritual growth, and through it come out stronger with some of the best friends I could have ever asked for. I’ve clawed my way to new depths with the Lord. I’ve had to extend grace to people I didn’t feel like extending grace to, and receive it when I didn’t want or deserve it. I’ve seen peoples eyes opened to the Love of the Father…and hearts changed. I’ve used my gift of photography that the Lord gave me to give orphans and widows and people around this world a face…and a name. I’ve witnessed the selling of a woman to a man with evil intentions…and I witnessed her leave the hotel looking lifeless…and without hope.
I may be a better version of me after everything I’ve been through.
But to everyone who's waited for me…
I will let you down.
I enjoy being vulnerable. Granted, at first, I did not…but now, after seeing so much fruit from being vulnerable this whole race, I can tell you that it’s something that I genuinely appreciate. While being vulnerable online, having put a big part of my past out there in the open, there are parts of me that you at home just cannot see. I’ve been on this incredible journey…I’ve seen and experienced and done some extremely beautiful and powerful things.
But guys, I’m not perfect.
Before the race, I had this view of “missionaries”. This skewed mental image that missionaries were perfect. I know I debunked this myth earlier this year in Cambodia, but just as missionaries have a flawed past, they also have a flawed future.
“For while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
If there is one realization I’ve had…it’s that there will be some expectations of me that I just can’t and won’t meet when I get home. I am going to let someone down. It’s guaranteed. There will be people that I won’t be friends with because they will be expecting someone I am not…and that is a tough pill to swallow. The old me is gone…but it doesn’t mean that the new me doesn’t fall into sin. It doesn’t mean that there are still some things about the old me that resurface…and I’m sure that there will be times that I mess up from being in my old environment again.
So for this I ask in advance…Grace.
I’m a new creation after this thing…A new person. People are going to have to get to know me all over again. Please do not see the things I’ve done and expect someone who will never fail…see someone who went on an extended honeymoon with God…a honeymoon that taught me about Grace…and Forgiveness…and Freedom. A honeymoon that has given me dreams, passions, and goals for my future that I couldn’t even comprehend beforehand. The race was yes, about serving, but even more than that, it was a chance for God to whisk me and romance me in a way He’s never done before. It was a chance for Him to show me who He created me to be…which is beautiful…and flawed…but forgiven.
Get to know me again. I have new passions, a new way of seeing things…of handling situations. Please don't expect the old me…or a perfect me. Because I'm neither. I think the hardest thing when I get home will be dealing with peoples expectations of me.
Know for a fact that I am new.
I am changed.
So for those of you expecting anything from me when I step of the plane in a little over a month, good or bad:
Do us both a solid…
Don’t.
