If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been called to the race…but think that you can’t go on it because you have said significant other, or you can go, but are afraid of what that means for you and said significant other. That, or you are on the race in the first few months and feel like you’re missing a big piece of your heart and are finding it hard to be away from said significant other. Or, you're the one waiting back home…hanging on every facebook post…and every skype call…waiting anxiously for your SO to come home.
I’m here to help. Jacob, my boyfriend, and I have been together for over a year now. I was nervous, walking into this race, with the realization that this would either bring us closer together, or destroy us. Which, I was right about. I’ve never felt closer to him, being so far away. It’s incredible just how much the Lord has done in both of us, and it’s taken effort on both of our parts to make sure that we are pursuing each other in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, and that doesn’t distract us from what God is trying to tell us. So here are some tips that I have come up with, that should encourage you to stay strong. To go the course, and most importantly, to listen to what God is telling you in this year of growing separately.
Be Honest
This is the number one tip for a reason. Be honest in everything. In how you are feeling, in what you’ve seen, in what you perceive your significant other is feeling, being, or communicating. This race is going to make or break you, and it will undoubtably break you if you aren’t honest. This includes honest about your feelings of the race, of where you stand in your relationship at any given moment, and everything else that influences you during your year abroad. It involves having hard conversations…it involves tears…and it involves love. True love. This year will set the foundation for what communication will look like after the race. If you can be intentional about being honest here in the mountains of Nepal, you can be intentional about being honest there back in your hometown.
You’re not normal.
One of the hardest things to learn on this race is that you’re not normal. By month four, you’ll understand what I mean. What fascinated you in month one, will no longer fascinate you in month five. A chicken walking into the living room? What’s so odd about that? Seeing a herd of cattle being escorted in front of your home for the month to a new pasture every morning? Ain’t no thing. Take a step back, and remember that everything you are seeing right now, is awesome. It’s something you’ve dreamed about seeing for a long time. So to people back home, the woman dressed in a saree carrying 40lbs of rice on her head, is fascinating. To your significant other, living on an island in the Philippines and doing beach ministry, is fascinating. Tell them about it! Seeing 50 goats per day while walking to and from ministry in Nepal, getting puked on, pooped on, and bled on all in the same day by a beautiful orphan in India, walking 45 minutes just to get wifi, all of these things are not normal. But after a while on the race, they become so normal to us, its easy to get online to talk to said significant other and say “It was just a normal day.” You’re not normal. Appreciate it. He/She definitely will.
Your boo isn’t normal either.
Lets be serious for a moment…what once was home, becomes foreign after 11 months in 11 different countries. We dream of “normalcy” and realize that in month 9, living out of a backpack and moving every 30 days has become normal…no matter how sick of it we get. Meanwhile, things are continuing on at home without us. Remind your significant other that their lives are just as foreign to us as ours is to ours. To hear about your SO’s job, how your friends are doing, what the weather is like, or just what they are doing on a random saturday afternoon, is fascinating to us here on the race. Just like they need to hear about our killing a chicken for dinner, we need to hear about what kind of wine they paired with their pasta dinner that night. It’s often said and implied that our lives as racers are “cooler” than those of the people back home. I promise you that on this race, you will hang on every word they say about what is happening on home soil. Their lives will seem just as cool to you as yours does to them. Ask them about it. And when they are vague, ask for more details. It’s okay!
Compliment each other
I know this sounds pretty obvious, but it is seriously so easy to go an entire conversation and just skim the surface on what you did that day. Especially on the days where you did something extra cool…like fly around mount everest or love on a baby all day. It’s important to uplift them…not just important, but critical. All you will have this year in terms of love languages are “Words of Affirmation”. Use them. If he is at work, remind him how proud of him you are. Tell him how good he is at his job…tell him that he’s attractive…that he’s “your favorite”. Same goes for those waiting at home. Tell her she’s beautiful in the picture she’s tagged in by her teammate…especially the one that she’s wearing no make up in and hasn’t showered in what could potentially be 8 days. This will also help SO much when your racer gets back home. After a year of “feedback” and getting affirmed verbally, it’ll be something that they are used to at that point…so to not get it at home will be hard. It’ll perhaps be one of the greatest culture shocks in America…to realize that verbal affirmation and “calling each other up” is nonexistent.
Community is important
Be sure that you are including others in every step of the race. Especially those of you left at home. Surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable, who will encourage you, and who will constantly remind you of the person you love. It’s really hard to feel like you can’t talk to someone about how you’re feeling. I know on the race especially, since 80+% of the people on your squad are single, it’s hard to bring up your significant other because not everyone will understand where you’re coming from. I was blessed, and lucky enough to be on a team with at least on person who had a boyfriend or girlfriend back home. It was the biggest encouragement to walk up to one of them and talk to them about how I was feeling, what I was struggling with, and about what I wanted for my future. And for the people back home, it’s important to stay social. Go out, meet with friends, and brag about your guy/girl who gave everything up to go serve for a year. It will be hard to see normal couples doing normal things, but it will be awesome to remember that you’re not just an “ordinary couple”…but an “Extraordinary couple” who sacrificed so much to grow closer in the Lord together.
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?Make a big deal out of the Holidays
Even if its just a sappy status update on Valentines day, let them know that you are thinking about them. FaceTime them on Christmas, tell them you ate their share of thanksgiving food for them. Racers with significant others back home find comfort in knowing they’re thought about on the holidays. For July route racers, especially. Missing almost every major holiday takes its toll on the heart and emotions. So to the men and women back home waiting, please edify them. Let them know that they are thought about and loved.
The ever famous Layover in LA
Not all routes have this opportunity, but some do. To those that do, I’m talking to you. One of the highlights of my race was when Jacob flew from Detroit to LA to spend a beautiful 4.5 hours with me. It was right after I found out my dad had cancer, and I just really needed a hug. I had the honor of helping one of my world race besties boyfriend plan a surprise trip to LA. While it was SO hard to keep it from her, it was worth seeing her overjoyed face and tears of pure bliss that resulted from the sneak attack next to baggage claim. Pray about this now. Some people asked me if I thought it would be too hard to see him and say goodbye again. And honestly, it wasn’t. I’d already said goodbye to him once…so I knew what to expect and to feel. If anything, I just felt so blessed to have had the opportunity to see him again. Of course, things are different for everyone…but the three people who had their SO’s come to LA, were so blessed by it. And would recommend it to everyone.
Countdown
It’s so important to stay present on this race. Do not take your focus away from where you are in that moment. You will get trapped in a whirlpool that will quickly suck you into a place of discontentment and you’ll want to go home. I am a firm believer that there is nothing wrong with counting down the days until you run into their arms again. From 330 days, to 82…you realize that it really does go quicker than you thought. And that you’ll be home before you know it. Its encouraging to those waiting for us at home too to know that you are thinking about the second when you can be reunited. Stay present. But be excited about the future too.
The marriage bet.
It happens to every racer in a relationship. Your relationship with said significant other back home, will become a bet against every other “WR Couple”. The most infamous bet is “Who will get married first?” I got caught in this bet…and am still in the running to be one of the first couples to get married after the race. It was amazing to me how much satan wanted to use these bets to speak into my life. Soon, I was swimming in discontentment, expectations, and manipulation. I saw the Facebook statuses of all my friends changing every day from “In a relationship” to “Engaged”. I saw the hundreds of likes…I saw the rings sparkling in their pictures…and I saw the man on one knee, wanting nothing more than for the love of his life to say that she wanted to spend forever with him. And I wanted that. Desperately. Pinterest became my new favorite website…looking at rings, dresses, discussing with my friends about my dream wedding…and how I wanted and dreamed of Jacob on one knee when I stepped off the plane in Grand Rapids, MI for the first time in a year. I was neck deep in expectations for my future. It was unhealthy, and it began to effect mine and Jacobs relationship. It is so important to keep a clear head. This year isn’t about solidifying your relationship with your SO. It’s about solidifying your relationship with the God of the Universe. It’s about finding your value, you identity, and your satisfaction in Him and Him alone. Put aside you dreams of engagement…of white wedding dresses and engagement rings. This race isn’t about that. Learn to be content in where you are…which is anywhere from the city streets of Phnom Penh, Cambodia, to the mountains of Guatemala. Trust in His timing, and know that whenever you get engaged, that it will be a surprise. And something that the Lord ordains.
Carry Him/Her with you.
I have two pictures of Jacob with me. One, a photos trip of our time at our company Christmas party a year and a half ago. The other, a picture of us January 2013 ringing in the new year. People from all over the world have held these pictures in their hands. They’ve smiled and told us how cute we are together, and have been able to pray for Jake with a face in mind. It’s been good for those nights when I just want a hug from him, to pull out his picture and smile remembering the amazing night we had of dancing, celebrating, and being with friends. I also have two elephants I bought in India…one is me, the other represents Jake. They go everywhere with me. It's a good reminder of his support and love while on this last leg of the race.
Trust them to the Lord.
Me and God had a heart to heart as I left for my first country on the race. I realized that God loved Jacob more than I ever could. And that the most loving thing I could do for Jake, was to give my hopes, dreams, and expectations from Jake to the Lord. I had to pray that the Lord keep him…and trust that while I was gone, that the Lord would use this year to bring him closer to Himself. That Jake would make the decision to spend this year, like me, finding his identity in Christ…and Christ alone. To realize that the sun does not rise and set with me, but because the Lord is creator and author of all. That through me, Jacob see the love of the Father. I had to trust that the Lord had a plan for both of our lives. And whether or not we made it all the way to the end, that God had a plan. A plan to prosper and not to harm us. And that God trusted us enough to entrust this journey to us. And how beautiful it has been.
This year will test you. It will bring out the ugliest parts of you…and mold it to one of the most beautiful. If you weren’t sure if you should sign up, I suggest you do. This race helps prepare you to be the best wife, mom, and daughter you could ever possibly be (and best husbands, fathers, and sons to those men reading this blog). Trust that the Lord has a plan for you both…together or not. And that this is a beautiful way to grow together…separately. If you’re on the race, broken hearted and missing your SO…hang in there. Follow these steps…and feel refreshed. Go to your team, find someone in the same boat as you…and soak in the Lords mercies that are new every morning. If you’re swimming in those expectations I mentioned in #9…release them to the Lord. You will end up driving him/her away by the end of this thing. Enjoy the season you are in. And do not be anxious in anything.
Above anything else, do not allow them to become a distraction when it comes to what the Lord is trying to teach you.
I am so thankful for Jacob. I am thankful for the man he is to me. And that God brought him to me. These past 9 months have been so challenging to be without him, but I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the World.
