I've been blessed in my life to never have had to worry about anyone I love getting and dealing with cancer. I've been a shoulder to cry on for people who did have someone they loved go through it…but have never been on the other side. Until Last week. About a week ago, I got to our lodging for the last few days in Nicaragua and immediately got online to check a few things. I noticed right away that my mom had been trying to contact me pretty hard core the past few days. She asked me to FaceTime her when I could. So I did. It rang a few times and then she answered…and wasn't herself. I asked if she was okay…then she passed the phone to my dad. My dad went on to explain that he's been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. He didn't know much, and mentioned that he would find out treatment options next week. As soon as I heard the "c" word…I broke down. I couldn't hold back the sobs and almost dropped my phone a few times in shock…and in devastation. I knew that prostate cancer was fairly common…but to hear that word and be thousands of miles away (and soon to be even further away) and not be with my family killed and still kills me.
My feels sitting here right now typing this are complicated. My feeling is that I've abandoned so much already. My job. My boyfriend. My dog. My family. My Friends. My comfort. My car. My personal space and freedom. The list goes on…and now I have to abandon the desire to go home and be with my family. I so badly want to go home. To hug my dad. To be there for my mom. For them to be there for me. They have each other. I know I have my squad…and I'm so thankful for them. However, it isn't quite the same. Especially since the team changes that happened in Managua. This month is manistry…so the family I've been a part of for the past three months was split apart…and just like that my brothers were on a new team and the women on my team were placed with 4 other women. I know God has big plans…but the timing seems to be a little off for me. The night I found out, my squad gathered around me in prayer…it was good to have their support.
In LA, Jake, my boyfriend, came all the way from Michigan to see me for about 5 hours. It had been planned for about two weeks…and only the Lord knew that I would really need it after hearing the news. We'll leave the rest of that story for another blog. After Jake left, it was about two hours until it would be time to board the plane to Hong Kong. I remember walking down the jetway and trying not to hyperventilate. Then there was the step onto the plane. I knew there was another flight leaving for Detroit at 5am…just 4 short hours from now. I could go home. I could be with my family. Instead, I stepped onto the plane. If I hadn't been so emotionally and physically exhausted, I would have probably cried my eyes out at that time. Instead, I slept. But it wasn't a peaceful sleep. Even though my eyes were shut the first 7 hours of the plane to Hong Kong…my mind was very much reeling.
So now we're here. On an Island called "Mindoro"…working with "threads of hope". I'm trying so hard to pour into this place emotionally. But I feel like I've nothing left to give. Yesterday I heard the results of my dads CT scan. There isn't any sign of cancer in his bones, but the test for his lymph nodes were inconclusive. He has another test Oct. 14th, which should tell us what is going on. Since hearing the news I can't stay focused. Someone needs to watch my siblings while my parents are at the mayo clinic…that should be me. I should be the one comforting them. Being there for them. Instead, I'm across the world. It breaks my heart…and I feel like a terrible big sister. Not only do my siblings needs me, but I need them. Bottom line, please pray for my dad. Healing. And pray for me. I'm getting sick from being so worn down.
I'll be sure to update you all on what's going on.
