The Truth About “PreRace”

Y'all…I am exhausted. Already. When I signed up for the race I thought about all of the amazing things I could do to fundraise…I thought of all the awesome dinners, and newsletters, and silent auctions I could have. I imagined rubber bracelets and tshirts…Planned on returning cans and bottles, sell my art, heck, go door to door if I had to. My expectations were so high after getting accepted. I was motivated! Gotta get this stuff done! Gotta send my support letters out! Gotta design that tshirt! Gotta do this, Gotta do that…gotta be sure that I raise this money before I leave so that I don't have to worry about it when I am on the field!
If you have just been accepted, you are probably doing everything I just described. Instead of working, you are designing your epic tshirt…or blog stalking…or better yet facebook stalking your new squadmates and finding out everything about them before you even say "hi". You are probably getting ZERO sleep at night, and when you do finally nod off, you are probably dreaming about far away lands and bugs the size of your face…not that I am speaking from experience or anything…

But seriously.

 I've hit a wall. I wrote a blog earlier about Spiritual warfare and the battle for my heart and let me tell you…it's exhausting. I finally got a job…I am working for the same car dealership as I was a few months ago, just a different location. I know what you are thinking. "Ew…why would she work at a car dealership? She must be a compulsive liar…I hate car dealerships, they talked me into getting a lame 2005 Volkswagen Beetle that is way to small for my 60lb dog and myself…AND it has a tiny engine." (Again…not that I am speaking out of experience or anything…)

But seriously.

Let me tell you a little bit what it is like to work at a car dealership. I work easily 60 hours a week. I am the Internet Manager, meaning that any phone calls, emails, or chat's go directly to me.

So lets say you wanted to buy a 2005 Volkswagen Beetle, special edition, just over 61,000 miles, numbered unit, heated seats and a moonroof. (But seriously) You decide to call into the dealership. I am the one you talk to. I get paid on whether or not an appointment is set during that call, if they show up, and if they sell. So while in a normal job, when someone hears 60 hours a week they see dollar signs. I see 8am-8pm with no lunch break and a few energy drinks. (As I take a sip of my monster energy drink) It is physically and emotionally exhausting. Especially when you have a customer who isn't quite sure what to buy…and spend three days looking (so far)…only to make $30 total dollars when she sells. So far that is $10/day…and that means $1/hr. Makin it rain. It is especially hard when people think that it is your personal mission to make sure that you screw them over as much as you can with no remorse. Yeah, you know your distaste for the dentist? Times that by 4.3 and thats how I get treated usually.

 It's super cool. So now that the image is painted of that…add on top of that discouragement because I am broke, I was unemployed for 2 months…my power has officially been shut off…and my parents are being so dang supportive, it literally hurts. I do not deserve their kindness.

Three weeks ago I was on cloud 9…what the heck happened?!

I have been pondering this question for the past few days…(my ten hour days at the dealership have allowed me to process quite a bit) and I think I have come to some sort of conclusion. Read a little earlier into this blog post and see if you can notice why this is all happening….do you see it? Read it again….

Now do you see?

 It is becoming more and more evident everyday that I am not the one in charge…It's funny I have been a "Follower" my entire life. The idea of leading scares me. Mostly because, what if I mess up? Then there will be no one else to blame but myself. But when it comes to my own life, which is kind of a big deal, I won't LET anyone else take control of it…even God. Genius. So I end up trying to do everything myself…and for my own benefit…and when it blows up in my face, which it always does, who is there in the rubble left to blame? You betcha. As I brush off the ash and put out bit of hair that is still of fire, I am left standing in my own mess and destruction. I feel like God is just standing there holding the fire extinguisher begging me to stop playing with the dynamite. As soon as I give it up to God, the exhaustion and dirty mess that is my daily routine is put off its course. Example time.
Ready!?
 

So last night I got off of work at 8pm, the usual time, and me and my soul sister were planning on potentially hanging out! When I was walking outside I thought about the support letters I still had to fold and stuff and cancelled the plans so I could do them. In reality, I probably would have gone home, watched Survivor (ps: they're in the philippines…which is totally on my route…YES!) and gone to bed. It had been a hard day…for some reason I was feeling super discouraged. Bills, car payments, and lack of time/energy to spend on fundraising were probably huge factors…anyway…
I decided to say screw it and invite her over.
I never wanted to ask anyone for help. Fundraising is my deal…I asked for it, I should do it. Well My friend got there and we totally knocked them all out together…didn't even have to ask. Super blessed and super humbled.