First off, I’m sorry I’m a horrible blogger haha! I have so much bouncing around in my head I could write about, but actually conveying it in a way that people will understand or helping people get a small glimpse into the full picture is way harder than just sitting here thinking about all of the experiences I’ve walked through in the last few months. So, I hope you’re ready for a long read haha!
Throughout my time so far on the race I’ve had really high points but I’ve also experienced some really low points as well. Being away from home for eleven months is crazy to think about and it’s hard, but let’s be real… Being away from home for any extended period of time is still just as hard even if it’s one month. There’s been times when I wanted nothing more than to just skip to the end of month eleven when I’m getting on a plane heading back to the states. I’ve questioned my purpose for my being here countless times wondering if there was any real reason for me living in uncomfortable conditions trying to figure out community in a third world country. There’s also been times when I’ve questioned why the Lord would ever take me away from all of the people I loved back at home. I’ve wondered more times than not why I have to have my heart ripped from my chest over and over and over after seeing the things I’ve seen. It’s these kinds of questions that always bring me back to the reason I’m here. To be the light in the darkness and to boldly make known the mystery of the Gospel, to die to myself and my selfish desires, to learn to love people who Christ loves, to walk in my true identity without hesitation, and to learn that living simple in comparison to the lavish lifestyle we live in America teaches you things about yourself and about the world that I would likely not be learning if I were sitting in an air conditioned room, with cable television, and whatever else my heart desires. And if I’m being real with you, I still live pretty lavish compared to most people we are ministering to on a daily basis.
I’m almost at the end of month five of this race and have finally reached a place in my life and on this journey where I’m content in whatever the Lord has for me. I’m not saying that everyday is easy or that I wake up with a “Yes” in my spirit or that I never need an attitude check. However, I am saying that choosing to seek the Father as the first priority and choosing joy has completely shifted the trajectory of this journey. Upon arriving in Vietnam last month, I immediately felt a complete shift in my attitude. I felt like I was experiencing things in a completely different lighting. Kind of like a flickering light bulb that is just waiting to burn out. Everyone knows it’s not living up to its potential as a light bulb because it’s not shining light into the dark places or creating a welcoming presence. It’s not until the light bulb is changed that you can start appreciating all that the light has to offer. You start noticing things that were always there but couldn’t see before because of the flicker of the light. It’s now much clearer to see because the light is shining much brighter and doing the job it was always meant to do. Probably a cheesy example, but that’s exactly what it was like for me. I was doing the same things with the same people prior to this change in my attitude but I was failing to notice all the things that the Lord was doing around me and all of the opportunities to love others because of how caught up I was in myself and allowing the negative things to control how I reacted and felt about my race.
Looking back over the last 4 months I am amazed at how often the Lord showed up and how little I gave him credit. I definitely expected him to do awesome things, but I never realized just how much He was doing in and through me because of how caught up I was in being annoyed at things that I had no control of. He has shown me so much about myself that I was completely unaware of coming onto the race. I’m currently sitting in the upstairs of a seminary building where we are teaching Bible memorization, Geography, Asian Geography, Grammar, Conversation classes, and English Vocabulary. It’s now the third month of the race that I’ve taught English and I’ve started realizing how good I have gotten, or always have been, at teaching according to my teammates (haha). I never thought I would see myself teaching anyone how to do anything, especially something that they would use for the rest of their lives, and definitely not teaching seminary students, but here I am! I am also in a season of being a team leader for my team and I laugh every time I think about it. It’s not the fact that I think I’m not a leader, it’s that I know I try to lead by example and by doing things that may be considered as leadership qualities, but actually being designated as a team leader is funny to me because at training camp I didn’t even realize that I was considered a leader to other people until someone else pointed it out to me! Here’s the point to all of this: I have talents and abilities that the Lord has been wanting me to use and I never walked in the fullness of them, or even recognized those talents and abilities, until I gave my 100% yes to the Lord and became fully present where I was. I always think back to Matthew 25:29 where it says, “To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away” and it makes me wonder what gifts the Lord has given to me that I squandered away because I didn’t use them well or didn’t recognize them as a gift from the Lord.
Like I mentioned earlier in this blog, I have had some really low points thus far. I had to seek advice from teammates and friends and family back home and no matter what I was feeling they always directed my attention back to what the Father had been doing in my life and what He would continue to do on this journey. I could choose to focus on the uncomfortable parts of the journey or stand back and see just how much the Lord was working and moving in my life. Because at the end of the day, the World Race will be done and over with after 11 months and then what? Will I call my friends and family and mentors when things start getting tough at home and tell them I want to go back to the race? Of course not! This journey isn’t just a one and done 11 month trip and then I go home and forget all that happened. It’s a journey that is supposed to teach me a little about life and a lot about how to sync my life up with what the Father has had planned for me all along. Sure it sucks sometimes sleeping in an attic with no ac in 115 degree heat, or swatting mosquitos like it’s your job, or eating ramen and cereal most meals, or not being able to have ice cold water when you’re sweating buckets, but isn’t that so much like life even in the comforts of home? We have everything we want and need plus some and yet we can always find something to complain about when there’s so much to be grateful for. When we start looking for the good in everything that’s when Jesus replaces the old, worn out, flickering lightbulb with a brand new light bulb to shine into the darkest places.
I sat listening to Hillsong New York’s pastor Carl Lentz in a podcast with a few of my teammates a few nights ago. He talked so much about all the things I had been thinking about while writing this blog so I had to come back and hit some high points from his talk with a few of my thoughts thrown in the mix!
- Occupy wide awake – Wake up and look around. Zacchaeus was brought to an eternity with Christ because Jesus lived in the moment and knew he was an agent of change. We are no longer “Just a ____” we are agents of change. We are walking revivals. We live with eternal labels not Earthly labels! Don’t live a life so rushed that you aren’t ready and present to look around you for those who need a revival in their lives.
- Occupy with urgency – we have limited time to occupy the streets. If you’d stop looking at you and start looking at Jesus you begin being urgent about the mission at hand. Whether it’s at the grocery store, with the neighbor no one enjoys being around, that difficult family member that grips your every nerve, the kids in the streets of Cambodia begging you to buy them an ice cream cone, or the widow holding out her hand on the street to provide a meal for her family. Don’t get so busy doing all of the things that you take your eyes off the Father and miss the whole point.
