Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Last night was the moment I’ve been dreading for 4 weeks…my night to share my testimony. We’ve been slowly hearing each person’s story and it has really brought a huge amount of unity and trust to our team. I’ve enjoyed hearing about the journeys of all my teammates and how they’ve ended up right here right now, however, I didn’t realize what a vulnerable thing it is to share your life and pain until it was my turn to bare my soul.
I did a lot of tough soul searching as I prepared to share my heart, because I really wanted to give my team the most honest description possible of where I’m at in my walk with the Lord, and I realized something very upsetting in the process…I don’t know who I am. The truth is, very little of what people see anymore is the real me. They see the person I want them to see because that’s the person I wish I was. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, and I think deep down I’m afraid that if people really knew everything about me then they wouldn’t love me anymore, or at the very least they’d be disappointed in me, which in my mind is just as bad. I never want to appear as anything less than the good little Christian girl, so when that’s not the truth, it’s the mask I put on so that no one knows the difference. It’s not that I want to be fake, this has just become the method I use in order to live up to the expectations I feel are required of me. I’ve been told that flaws are beautiful, but it’s very hard for me to admit that I have them much less let them be exposed. I want to hide behind my mask and just let people keep on thinking that I’ve got it all together. It’s definitely easier that way, but it’s also very lonely. If I feel like people are only loving the false self that I show them, then they’re not really loving me…and I wonder…would they still love me if they knew the real me?? Maybe the answer is yes, but I’m usually too afraid to find out, so I just continue the masquerade.
1 Chronicles 29:17
“I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity.”
I’ve gotten so used to living a double life that I’ve even started to confuse myself. Even since I’ve been on this trip I’ve had a hard time distinguishing between the real status of my relationship with God and the relationship I’ve portrayed for so long. I realized that I don’t even know how to be genuine with God. How in the world did I get to this point?! Now here I am a million miles away from home, about to spend 10 months ministering the love of Jesus around the world, and I’m having a major identity crisis. It’s very scary to see the entire identity I’ve built around myself come crumbling down at my feet. I feel vulnerable and exposed before God and man, but at the same time it feels like such a breathe of fresh air!
Psalm 32:5
“Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’ — and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
My goal for this year is to learn how to be genuine…real, authentic, and true. It’s going to be long road as God strips away all the junk and we pretty much start over from square one. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. So basic, yet so profound. He doesn’t love the person I wish I was or try to be, He loves the real me, right now…flaws and all. When the reality of that truth really sunk into my heart I felt so much peace and joy knowing that it’s not something I have to earn, and no matter what I do, it can never be taken away.
Psalm 89:1-2
“I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself.”
I’m so thankful that God gave me this “light bulb moment” because it is absolutely changes my goals for the next 10 months. God and I are starting over from scratch, and He’s showing me what He sees when He looks at me.
Isaiah 57:18
“I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
I’m getting to know the real me and although it’s scary, it’s so necessary. I don’t want any changes in my life this year to be built upon a false foundation that will eventually collapse. I want to build my identity on the firm foundation of the Rock that never changes. He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Matthew 7:24-27
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
