Before leaving Malaysia, I was asked to be team leader and was placed on a brand new team for the last few months of the race.
When we got to Africa, I found out that we were not going to have any set ministry schedule, but that we would have to create our own. I put a ton of pressure on myself and felt as though I needed to have it all together to lead my new team well. I was so worried that we weren’t motivated or doing enough while being here. We were told that the last teams that were here stayed around the house and didn’t get out much and I didn’t want to repeat the same. I felt guilty every time we were inside the house. Most of the time, I blamed myself for not doing enough ministry, or meeting enough people.
I would count the hours we would spend doing ministry, and stressed if it seemed like too little on a particular day.
I gave my team a speech on how we needed more motivation and stressed the importance of the amount of ministry we are doing every day. One of my teammates shared with me that what we needed to do was our best, and not to check a box when we finished a certain number of hours each day. The truth was that my team did need more motivation, including myself. With the desert heat and the lack of anything to do besides talk to people, sometimes we would watch movies and take naps. But even when we got that motivation, I still felt that we were failing.
Looking back on the first 2 or 3 weeks, I see that I was trying to please people; my leaders, my team, the community. I wanted everyone to see that we were working so hard and were actually changing lives. I didn’t feel like we were at all. We had made really good friendships within the community, but I was still frustrated with myself that we weren’t making a big difference here like we were expected to make.
A few days before we left for our half way debrief with our whole squad, we received a letter from a 19 year old guy named Kenny. He would come over to the house and hang out with my team and the kids pretty much every afternoon, and even showed up to church for the first time one Sunday. The day before he left to go to Gaborone, the capital city, he left us a note. He titled it “Bold but Gold” and here is a little part of what he said.
“Sometimes we wish to reach a certain midpoint but because of the trial and tribulations we face, we end up hanging, but because of what we learned from you guys we instill hope in life. You guys are from different surroundings but you created a bond of sisterhood upon yourselves which has a positive effect on our lives. I came for a reason and have dug a lot from you guys. I have observed the joy and happiness you guys bring upon the kids, which helps some of them to withdraw from bad things in the society. I wonder how things are going to be in your absence. Truly speaking, you all have bold but
gold hearts, God shall bless upon you all.”
After weeks of feeling as though we were only here to count the days before we would be able to pack up and go home, I knew that the Lord had been working through us this whole time. During our debrief, we had a meeting with our squad leaders. I spent the first few minutes telling them our schedule and realizing for the first time that we were actually very busy. We taught at the primary school, met new people and prayed for them, coached a volleyball team, and loved on the kids for hours every day. One of our squad leaders even told us that it seems like we go above and beyond what we have been asked to do.
I feel as though the pressures of people pleasing and perfectionism were lifted off my shoulders. The only one I needed to be pleasing was God. I truly believe that the Lord was pleased with my team and I and all we had accomplished in Werda. I saw so much growth in my team since we first got to Botswana and it was so hard to leave our little village.
The end of the race is here. I am in Durban, South Africa enjoying my last week with my squad and on May 30th, I will be home in Orlando. It’s crazy how time flies. These past 9 months have been some of the best in my life and I can’t wait to come home and share them with all of you.
