I left home 298 days ago. You could call it 42.5 weeks, or 10 months, or seven major Holidays ago.
To me, no matter what you call it, it feels like a lifetime. A lifetime full of lessons and tears and laughter. Of new friendships and growing up. A ‘coming of age’ expedition if you will. The year I grew up but also found my innocence all over again.
I am so excited to see my family. I’m ecstatic to jump into their arms and talk and laugh with them for hours where we don’t have to deal with blurry Skype calls or what turns into a bad ‘Can you hear me now?” commercial. Only 34 more days until I get to feel the arms of the man I want to spend the rest of my life with around me. Just about a month to go until I can be crazy with my best friends again.
The World Race in all it’s glory has been fascinating, wild, exotic and fun. At times it has also been slow, and exhausting, and sad. Any emotion you can think of I have probably felt while on this adventure. I have learned innumerable things, failed at tons of things I’ve tried and succeeded at things I never knew I could do. I re-opened my heart to God and to love. Sometimes I close that door again, but then I think back on this last year and it reminds me that life is only worth living if that door is open. The door where you not only love God, but you let Him love you back. The door where you give people the power to hurt you by leaving it wide open. It’s been hard, but it has changed my life and I have never been so sure of who I am than right now.
So why am I terrified to come home, you ask?
Because I know who I am out here. I’m terrified of who I might be when I get back there.
I’ve found myself this year. I’ve finally realized who I am, what I like to do. People have spent a year calling out the great things in me and gently pointing out the things I need to work on. I know where I stand. I am a missionary. I am a teammate. I am a friend. I am blunt and although my heart is in the right place I don’t always come off as kind…and I’m working on that. I can be moody. When I’m up I’m really up, when I’m down I’m really down. I love whole-heartedly and I have never been more aware of that than after this year. Even with all of my short-comings, I know where I stand with these girls. I’m comfortable in the unexpected and in the chaos. It’s become my normal.
I don’t know what to expect out of coming home. American life is so much more privileged than a lot of the places I’ve been living. Will it frustrate me? Will it annoy me? I don’t know. I will be 24 years old and moving back into my moms house; with no job prospects and no money and a whole lot of student loan debt hanging over my head. This last year I have had a goal, a title, a purpose. What will it feel like when that is gone and I’m left standing not as Brette Fischer: the world traveler or missionary, but simply as Brette Fischer, with nothing else to hide behind. Will I continue to grow in areas I’ve improved or will I spiral backwards because it’s too hard to fight it everyday? This year I feel I have grown in patience and love. That I try to give grace to people. Will I do that when I’m home? Will who I’ve become stick with me? I’ve appeared so happy this past year, and I have been. What if I have seasons where I’m not happy. Will I be viewed as ungrateful? Will I still feel close to God when my year of exploring the world is done? I’ve never been good with silence. I’m afraid that after the excitement of going home wears off the silence will set in…and it will be the loudest it’s ever been.
What will I do then?
The answer is that I don’t know. I really have no idea what my future holds or what the plan for me is. The only thing I know is that I have grown this year. I have changed. I do feel like a better person. I see the world with more hope and love than I ever have. The lessons you learn from travel are often too hard to put into words; they’re simply unexplainable.
Despite freaking out…I keep hearing the Lord say one thing to me.
‘You were terrified when you left, but we started this thing together. It was hard and you spent a lot of nights angry with me. But once you trusted me, your life changed in the most beautiful ways. Going home will be another adventure, and we’ll do that one together too.”
