I’m getting on a plane to Africa tomorrow.
As I lay in bed tonight an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people I have encountered throughout my life flashed before my eyes. So many people; different times, different places, what feels like a different lifetime. It’s easy to thank those who have loved you well throughout life, but it’s much harder to thank those who have left you with hurt and pain.
But tonight it’s like God literally said to me “You can be that person, or you can move forward and thank me for each circumstance I placed you in. For each person, even if you didn’t and don’t believe they were good.”
It’s hard to look back at your life and truly want to thank everyone. Because let’s face it; people have hurt you. They have cut you down. They have made you feel ugly. They have made you feel weak. They have made you feel small. And then there are people who have made you feel strong enough to take on the world. People who made you realize that you were worth more than any words (good or bad) could ever say. There will always be people: people who say the right and people who say wrong. People who love you….and people who simply don’t.
The truth?
It doesn’t matter.
And you should thank them all.
You have a God who loves you. Who seeks you out above all else. Who pays so much attention to you it’s like no one else in the world exists. That’s how big He is: Big enough to listen, to care, to love and to seek you out like no person ever will. And He’s big enough to place the right people in your life at the exact time you need it. Not only just the people who love you, but also the people who have hurt you.
Thank Him. Thank Him for placing you in situations that were hard, because if you look at them closely you probably learned something. You probably grew stronger because of it.
So:
To the people who called me fat as a kid: thank you. Thank you for teaching me that people who use mean words probably need more love than we know, and their attempts to cut others down is really a cry for help. A cry for love.
To the ex-boyfriends who cheated on me and made me feel small, like my dreams and opinions didn’t matter… Thank you. Thank you for showing me that people will fail me. But God never will. Because even after all of the awful things were said and done and I walked away broken hearted: I wasn’t alone. In those moments I learned just how constant God is.
To the Christians who turned their backs on my family when there were struggles such as divorce: Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that even people who love Jesus are broken. We are not exempt from brokenness. The ones going through the divorce are hurting, broken. The ones who turn them away because of that divorce; they are also hurting and broken. Thank you for reminding me that regardless of whether your world appears to be ‘solid’ or ‘falling apart’ that we all need people who are willing to give grace like Jesus does.
To the friends who have loved me endlessly even when I was the worst friend on record; thank you. Thank you for teaching me that people deserve to be pursued. That to love like Jesus…you love all.the.time. Thank you for not giving up on me and for showing me that Jesus does give us unending, limitless love. Thank you for being the facilitators of that love.
To the man who loves me: thank you for showing me that when we wait for God to bring us the right person, that love is like none I’ve ever known. Thank you for showing me what the respect of a man looks like. Thank you for showing me that Jesus made us stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.
To my family who have taught me what life is all about; thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be who I am. To grow, to change, to fail. Thank you for making the hard decisions because you knew they were the right ones. For showing me that blood does not bind, but that Christ and choosing to love one another does. There are many families who have babies and never love them. Thank you for choosing to be a family who taught morals, and hard work, and pure, limitless love. For bringing heaven to earth for me by giving me Jesus.
To everyone who made me getting on a plane to Africa tomorrow possible: thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Whether you were my kindergarten teacher or my last college professor. Whether you were my best friend or someone who openly hated me. Whether you were someone who laughed at my mission trip or lovingly, willingly donated your time and money to the most life-changing experience I have ever had; thank you. Thank you for showing me that every person matters. And each action and word you choose….they ALL matter.
I thank you because I know that God has used each of you to change my life.
It’s easy to hold on to bitterness. I’ve held on to it for 23 years, 11 months and some odd days. But today I’m letting go. And I’m choosing to say thank you. To every single person. Because even if you didn’t mean to: you shaped my life in some way or another.
And thank you to God for orchestrating it all so beautifully.
If you feel like you don’t matter…please know that you do. You have more power over people than you ever realize. And you have a choice to use that influence for good. I didn’t always use it for good. I hurt a lot of people in the past, and I’m sure there are many people who have learned how ‘not to be’ from me. But I’m choosing in now. I’m choosing to start over by saying thank you. Im choosing to do my best to influence people for good. And you have that power too. Don’t let holding on to bitterness stop you from being the absolute best you that you can be.
I chose to let it go….and I’m going to Africa tomorrow.
