Coming back from training camp, one of my biggest fears was to go back to the way I was beforehand. Quiet, complaining, wanting release. And today made me feel like I’m reverting.
Why is it so difficult to talk to people about how what I’ve learned shapes everything I do in daily life? Why do I feel like I’ve lost energy and I just want to cram myself with sugar? When I want to exercise, I find myself without motivation. I want to complain about every single person I meet that doesn’t match up with my expectations. Then I want to curl up and sleep.
It doesn’t help that I got really sick for a week after training camp.
Yet what did I expect? That it would turn easy? No, it’s going harder, much more so. I’m being stuffed back into my little corner of no influence and religiosity. I can’t use “I don’t feel well” as an excuse. You’re not defined by how you are at your best. You are a full person, good and bad days. I used that excuse for the week I was sick. I lay down all week long and watched tv and movies. I felt a little nudge in the back of my head that was longing for a return to the communion I had with the Holy Spirit during training camp, but I told myself, “I’m too sick to concentrate.”
That was a mistake. I forgot how busy I was going to be this week. I won’t have substantial God time until Sunday. And I’m suffering for it.
I suppose I really need to get this out, lay it before the Lord, and start over. Because my life is defined by the invisible, and I shouldn’t have to write it out for people to see it.
I don’t want to lose this crazy desire for You that I’ve wanted for so long. Help me.
**Update – I made room for God time before Sunday. And since. It’s still been hard, but it’s getting better.**
