[First, if you have no idea what this blog is for or why I’m going to 11 countries in 11 months or what I’m hoping to accomplish in each place, then check out THIS link first!]
Okay. So now that you know what this World Race is all about, I just wanted to discuss for a second what is probably the greatest struggle in my life–one that’s only been magnified now that I’m about to leave the US and my friends and my foods and my routines for a year.
I am somebody who is, and has for as long as I can remember, lived in the “when.” I’ve heard it countless times from countless people on countless subjects to stop always projecting ahead and start focusing on what I have here and NOW. Live in the moment, live in the now, you get the picture.
We’ve all heard it, and yeah, maybe we all need to be a little more present. Sure. But it’s not that big of deal. Right? Everyone does it.
I know I certainly do it. For me, it’s almost impossible to live in the now when there’s the option of living in the very uncertain and very stressful when, instead. I mean, I’ll be gone for a year! So much to do! So much to prepare! So many shots! So much $$$ to raise!
Not to mention that I have to plan. I have to get everything ready. When I’m in Cambodia, I’ll need this, and when I’m in Africa, I might need this, and what happens, then I’ll have to do this. It’s all when, when, when: then. When I meet my fundraising goals. When I finally leave in September. When I say goodbye. When I come back and need another job. The whens never end, and I never really saw it as a problem until, well, I saw it as a problem.
WHEN I…
lose weight
get that job
get that certification
graduate
THEN…
they’ll notice me
I’ll finally have stability
they’ll hire me
I won’t be stressed anymore
You can live in the here and the now, but you can’t live in the when and the now.You have to choose, and when it comes right down to it, I almost always choose the when.
Why live in the now, when nothing is as perfect as it could be? When my body doesn’t look the way I want? When I don’t have the career I want? Why live in this moment, when I can live for that mythical time and place when things are finally the way that I know they can be.
The idea of giving up these “whens” is, quite frankly, terrifying. The idea of giving up this future time and place where I’m finally the “better” me. Where the timing is perfect. Where everything comes together to produce the perfect NOW. Now I’m skinny. Now I’m rich. Now I’m not sick. Now I’m secure. Now I’m stable. Now I don’t have to worry.
Well…at least until the next when comes around.
I’m chasing and running and pursuing a future circumstance of which there are no guarantees in favor of living in a present moment of which does not meet the perfect picture I’ve given birth to in my head.
I choose the ideal over the real.
I choose the when over the now.
WHEN…
I meet “the one”
I get engaged
I get married
have a baby
I switch jobs
I get my promotion
I find my passion
I’m financially stable
I have more time
he changes
she loves me more
the kids are older
I have more money
the pain stops
THEN…
I’ll finally be like everyone else
we’ll stop fighting
everything will come together
I’ll be complete
I won’t be stressed anymore
I’ll finally have enough money
I’ll be excited about life
I won’t have to worry
I can visit more often
we’ll get married
I’ll feel valued
we can travel
I can be more generous
I can focus on the needs of others
But…what if? What if my when never comes? What if I’m never fit enough? What if he never loves me enough? What if I never have enough time? What if I never get that job?
It’s even scarier to think of the idea that our when might not lead to the then that we imagined.
That I might not be happier with that job. That I might not feel content in that relationship. Marriage might not make me feel whole. More money might not solve my problems. More time might not mean I use it to visit and invest in people.
Of course, it’s not bad to want things out of life and to work toward those things…but what are you working toward, really? Happiness? Contentment? Joy? Freedom?
Are you sure your whens can get you there?
WHEN…
I’m thinner
I’m older
I’m wiser
I’m retired
I’m rich
they apologize
THEN…
I’ll be satisfied
I’ll be concerned with giving
I’ll prove they were wrong
I’ll take the time
I’ll never worry again
I’ll forgive them
For me–and it really does hurt to say this–it can feel like I’m waiting. Like I’m spending all my time and all my nows waiting for all my whens.
WHEN __________, THEN EVERYTHING WILL FINALLY START.
When I get that job, then I’ll finally be happy. Then I’ll be satisfied. Then it’ll come together. Then it’ll all be worth it.
But…will it be? Will it really?
I can’t remember the last time I sat down and took a deep breath and looked at my life and felt truly satisfied. When I didn’t have any whens. A time that I was completely at peace with myself and my circumstances. And it’s not that I haven’t had a lot of my whens come to pass–I have.
They’ve just never been enough.
There’s just always been new one that take the place of the old ones. And the saddest part of that is…I am without excuse. I am in prison of my own making, one which I could walk out of any time. We are so thirsty for the life that could have, that we refuse to be satisfied with the life we currently have. I have lost my joy, living like this.
Like I said, it’s bad to have goals. It’s not stupid to make plans for the future, and it’s not ridiculous to want to change. What is ridiculous is living like we’ll always have enough time. Living for those whens, and all the while wasting our nows.
Because there is joy in the now. There is joy now. There is satisfaction and contentment and peace and wholeness right within reach. Not when, but now. Right now. Right this second. Right this instant.
And how is that possible? How? Because the most important when in the history of the world has already come to pass. It is done.
WHEN JESUS DIED, WE WERE REDEEMED.
It’s not when anymore, but because.
Because he went to the cross for me, I am free. I am whole. I am worthy. I am loved. I am pursued. I am enough.
Did you hear that? Did you hear me just then? You are enough. Right now, in this moment, your life can be enough. You can be full. You can have joy. There can be peace.
I don’t want anymore when/then, because, in reality, I have no idea how many whens I get, and I have no guarantees they’ll bring the then I want with them. I want now to be enough. I want my life right now in this moment and in this instant to be enough. I want to know, in a deep way, that I am loved and that I am restored and renewed and redeemed, and I want that to be enough. I don’t want to wait for the when. Not when he’s offering me so much more right now.
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.” [Isaiah 55:1-3]
Jesus isn’t inviting us into any when. It’s not when/then with him. We are enough right now. He wants us to come as we are. Today, I want to meet him where I’m at. Today, I will be full. Today, Jesus will be enough.
Today, he wants to be enough for you, too. The only question is, when will you let him?
Once, on being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.”–Luke 17
