Over the last four weeks the question: “How are you?” has been asked to me hundreds of times. And hundreds of times I said “I’m fine”. I’m beginning to resent the question. People are asking me this question over and over because of training camp, our farm auction, launch and most importantly..they are refering to the unexpected loss of my Uncle on the 14th. This is the same reason that I have not updated my blog for you guys. I had nothing good to say. No positive uplifting mind blowing experiences. Just pain and tears.
What I am going to talk about isn’t to get your sympathy or pity, it’s so you can fully understand the process I’ve been struggling with. Also, I agreed at the beginning of this journey to take you with me and that included the hard times.
My Uncle Kenny had such a kind heart. He was very giving and never needed much. He was happy with the little he had and never put himself before anyone. His hugs were safe and full of love and compassion. He was also battling demons throughout his life. He had fought alcoholism and drugs until the day he took his life.
At first this was very hard to understand. Why didn’t I show him more love? What could I have done to save him? How could this happen to our small close knit family? It was very confusing. But now I know. There was nothing more we could do to help him. God took him back because God is the only one who could save him. My Uncle is back with our Lord and his mom. (My mom’s mom was taken back to heaven when I was a few months old and my Uncle never stopped missing her so it’s kind of a blessing he is back with her)
I considered dropping out of the race. It wasn’t the place or time to be leaving my family. I cry spontaneously everyday and get sick when I think about leaving them. So I turned to God for some answers. I needed Him more than ever. Each day I got closer and closer to God and now I can’t even imagine not going on the race. God has changed me and has a new mission for me. For those of you who know me, you know I’m not an affectionate person..like ever. I have my bubble so keep your distance. But God has put it on my heart to take over on spreading my Uncle Kenny’s warm/compassionate/loving hugs to all the nations. AND I ACCEPT!!
I was also inspired by the memory of my Uncle to change 1/3 of bag from items that I wanted to items for other people I will come across on the race. So I now have crayons, inspirational books, extra jewelry to give away, some balloons and some prayer journals. I plan on bringing as much love and laughter to as many people has I can while I’m gone.
I’m not fine. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be fine. But I do know each day I get a little stronger..
