(I wrote this a week ago, but due to the loss of my grandfather I hadn't found time to post it…until now)
"Just trust the Lord," they say.
Simple, right?
If you're anything like me you know that this is a common phrase seemingly super spiritual people say all the time for any and every situation, especially the bad ones.
And if you're anything like me you don't say it because you know you suck at it and should probably not be giving that advice to others when you don't even do it yourself.
You and your spouse are battling divorce?
Trust the Lord.
You just got laid off from your job?
Trust the Lord.
You lose a loved one?
Trust the Lord.
You have $3,500 to fundraise in a week for a missions trip?
Trust the Lord.
Though I haven't encountered the first two dilemmas,
I have the latter two.
Both in the same week, actually.
And if there was one thing I was tired of hearing it was that I needed to trust the Lord.
I was hurting and doing my best to be strong, but it just wasn't happening.
I held my tears for the most part,
but my insides were rattling anxiously.
And you can bet your bottom dollar I wasn't trusting the Lord to take the pain away as my grandpa laid on his death bed,
let alone provide an additional $2,400 in order for me to be able to attend my World Race Training Camp THIS Saturday.
I would sit at the hospital day in and day out
and in between holding my Papaw's hand and kissing his forehead,
I found myself obsessively checking my World Race account to see how my funds were looking.
Not only was my account not looking up,
but it was actually looking down.
Apparently one of my donations didn't go through correctly and instead of seeing a higher number,
I hopelessly stared at the computer screen seeing a lower donation amount than the day before.
Discouragement at it's finest.
Words can't express the amount of helplessness and anxiety I was feeling.
I knew each day could easily be my Papaw's last and the LAST thing I wanted to have on my plate was worrying about fundraising…
Let's be real, no one likes it anyway.
As I remained in this freak out mode all day every day,
I felt a massive conviction to give up social media for 24 hours.
I wasn't excited about this to say the least,
but I went to sleep that night with $1,185 in my account and heaviness in my chest.
After a full day of worry, temptation to stalk my account, and somehow managing to lock my keys in my car downtown,
I waited up til the clock struck midnight so I could check my account…
"Balance: $3,249"
My money had almost tripled.
What the…
I just sat there with my mouth dropped.
I couldn't believe it.
That's the thing…
I couldn't believe it.
I didn't believe the Lord would pull through for me and provide the $3,500 needed for camp.
Not only did He do that,
but Friday shortly after my Papaw passed away,
I checked my account to see that I now had $5,100 raised.
Floored.
I was so worried that He wouldn't provide because I wasn't trusting enough.
I felt like He was shaking his head saying,
"Child, you're going to wish you would have just believed that I would do this for you…"
and since I was on the struggle bus of trust that He wouldn't provide as punishment for my lack of it.
I am so glad the Lord's provision isn't dependent on my willingness to trust.
I am so glad the Lord's goodness isn't altered by my belief of it.
He is because He is
not because I believe it.
not because I trust $3,249 worth.
not because of anything I've done or could do.
not because I've "answered the call."
not because I'm going on the World Race.
But because He is.
Because goodness is the very essence of his Being.
I'M GOING TO TRAINING CAMP.
