Have you ever had a dream? A goal of some kind that you have spent every waking moment trying to achieve, one that when you wake up in the morning it’s the first thought in your mind and when you put your head down to rest at night it’s what your dreams are filled with? I had one to. But then God turned the tables on me during a 15 minute conversation with one my squad mentors. While talking with Dan, Abba pointed out 2 things:
He answered a deep aching question that I’ll try my best to explain.
All my life I have felt as if no one really noticed me. Whether it was at home with family, at school, during swim practice, even in college I felt like an outsider and that I didn’t belong. So in response to this feeling I developed this deep longing to be recognized. Now what I was being recognized for didn’t really matter to me as long as people noticed me, so I got into alot of trouble growing up. I continued this trend of making myself noticed all the way throughout high school and into college. About two years into college I hit rock bottom. I was on academic probation from failing most of my classes, I was depressed/suicidal from the emptiness I felt inside, and I had to quit swimming because of a back injury. Completely lost and with no where else to turn I called out to God and gave my life to him. It was 3 years ago that I started following Jesus and for the first time in my life I felt whole. But honestly, I didn’t feel like I was wholly known. I knew in my mind that I was excepted and recognized and loved by my Abba and that he was proud of me, but that knowledge hadn’t made the connection to my heart.
The answer to this question: am I recognized, am I loved, is there someone proud of me? This was my dream, and it consumed me to the point that it made everything else seem trivial in comparison. But at training camp 15 days ago Abba answered my question.
On the 3rd day of training camp Dan stopped me in the middle of the gravel road, took me by the shoulders and said, “I am so proud of you for following Jesus.”
These 9 words shook me to my core. “Someone is proud of me? For following Jesus?” Abba spoke to me in that gravel road and after the words “I’m proud of you” finally started to sink in He said something else, “There is more.”
I don’t know what exactly God has in store for me and there are so many unknowns that my imagination is completely spent. And that’s ok. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, I don’t even know if my next breath will come. But what I do know is this:
my Abba loves me
He sees me
and He is proud of me.
And that is enough.
