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The entry below is from my journal today.  I tend to “converse” with Father in my journals, just FYI.  It’s pretty honest.  But, I felt that I should share it.  So…I’m sharing.  🙂
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February 3, 2011
Phuket, Thailand
Thachatchai Village 
 
A part of me wishes we could go back to that day, two years ago, but live in the “limbo” that time zone changes create. That space of time where “it” hasn’t happened yet. If we could just go back to that day and I could somehow live forever in that magic space, that time vacuum between even Texas and Colorado, I would be able to see her face again; I could hear her voice and watch her quirky mannerisms forever. I could fight with her when she didn’t make sense to me and crawl into her lap when I was fearful. I could hear the wisdom of her life and bring joy to her with the passing of mine. She could exist. 
 
Mom died two years ago today. 
[Well, in this part of the world anyway. Does that still count?]
 
I guess that kind of thinking is called wishful for a reason. “Limbo” never moves forward or even backward. It just is; a perpetual circle of existence. Like a home video or photo album, snapshots of life that will never change. There’s nothing new. It’s just…waiting. For what?…
Life, I suppose. 

Life can’t wait. Days begin and days end. It has to keep moving forward. When it doesn’t we become dissatisfied, apathetic and even depressed. We describe ourselves as being “stuck in a rut.” 

…I wonder if this is all due to You…

Though You never change, You seem to be a God of change. Whether it involves changes in thought processes brought on by the revelation of new information, the change of the weather brought on by the turning of the seasons or the changes of chords in a song brought on by the melody that rose up within someone’s heart, ultimately, You created it all. You created change; which means there must be a purpose for it. For You are also a God of purpose.

Change brings growth and growth is a necessary ingredient in the recipe of holiness. If You are holy and we were made in Your image, would we not also be holy? 

Oh…but wait…

we fell. 

We fell from that holiness because You lovingly gave us the gift of choice…and we chose poorly. But, when we again choose You and You live in us, Your holiness must become a part of us. Right? So, I think we must then have this draw, this need, to “live up to” what we see and feel within us. 

…to be just like You. 

…to be holy.

Perhaps that is the real reason we are dissatisfied when “change” cannot be seen in our lives. It goes against the way we were designed and robs us of our full potential in You.

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I’m not really sure how all of this relates back to Mom. She was a wonderful woman who was passionate, yet still had this crazy, childlike, innocent giddiness to the simple things of life. Did she forget that You were dwelling within her and that her life had more purpose than the mundane stresses of the day to day? Did she get so wrapped up in who she wasn’t that she forgot who she was; a beautiful chaotic mess made perfect through You?

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I feel like You have more to say on this, but have not yet revealed it to me. I feel like You want to show me something honest, real and profound, but are choosing to keep it veiled for the moment.   I don’t really understand why, but I trust You. And, whenever You choose to lift the veil…

I am listening.