commissioning

Training Camp.

White, GA

 

I walked in to the place of worship.  It was dark.  The only light that existed was from tiny tea light candles spread all around.  The leaders were addressing us as a whole, but I was not engaged.  Yet.  My head was in a thousand different places.  And all I wanted was to get away and process it all.  …but, it wasn’t time.

 

Now was the time to be commissioned into this life-altering, comfort leaving, spiritually stretching, people loving, community living, odd-food-eating 13 month journey.

 

As the evening progressed, I broke.  Not completely, but profoundly nonetheless.  Worship was taking place.  Love was being practiced.   And an act of service that normaly causes my skin to crawl and my “ick” factor to flare up (miraculously) did not bother me.  I was in His presence.  HE was with me, loving me, serving me.  Please don’t hear that as a blasphemous or dishonoring statement.  Hear my heart in it.  He was sacrificing His comforts, life and position … for me … again.  As He did 2000+ years ago.

 

And I remember thinking, “What am I doing?!  I am not selfless enough to take on a journey like this!  I am not like You!  I don’t doubt You at all, but I doubt myself completely!”   

I have you in the palm of My hand.

 

I am with you.  Always.

 

And then He reminded me of a day at the office about a year ago.  All morning I had a phrase from a worship song stuck in my head.  “…devoted to You.”  But, it’s all I could remember.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It came up in conversation with a good friend of mine, one who is a little older and much wiser.  I was frustrated that I couldn’t remember anything else and she suggested that perhaps the Father wanted me to meditate on this phrase.  So, I did.  The rest of that morning, as work buzzed around me, I considered the words and how I could fulfill them more.  After lunch, the beginning of the phrase came to me.  “All I am is devoted to You” (from “One Desire”, Hillsong).  I was so excited, I went back to my friend and told her that it had come to me!  And then lamented just a little at how I would ever truly learn to be more devoted to Him.  Her response?  …she felt that it wasn’t that He wanted me to sing those words to Him and have them be more true (though He loves that!), He was singing those words over me!!   As in: 

“All I AM is devoted to you”

 

 

What fears and apprehension can prevail when I AM has you and is fighting in your corner?!