Tell me I am loved, Tell me I am known, and that you died for me!
Have you ever struggled with feeling worthless or having negative self talk? Yeah me too. I have struggled with my own self worth and how I see myself and how people see me. I struggle big time when I let someone down in any fashion. If I forgot to do something I felt like the world was going to end and that I was just not a worthy person. I have dealt with this issue from since I can remember, however I never knew how bad my negative self- talk was until my junior year of college. During this time is when my mom was passing away and I was on leadership for my church’s military life-group on campus called the Armory. One of my fellow leaders Joe, noticed my destructive path and took me under his wing and helped pour into me and help lead me to the help I needed. Before Joe, I never really talked about it and I just completely hid from everything. I was always leading with a fake face on and it just wore on me. He would be the first to know, even through a message how destructive my thought waves were. As much as he would tell me that the words I was feeling and thinking were not Gods and they were indeed Satan’s, I would take them as half-truths. This partly would be because I was mad at God for what he was doing to my family. If you know me, I like to overload myself and overwork myself to not deal with emotions at hand. This constant state of not taking care of myself, overloading myself with caffeine and sleep aides led to more and more aggressive negative self- talk and feelings.
Spring of 2016 came around, about 2 years after I was made to realize how destructive my self-talk was. I decided I needed to get away with The Lord and serve him over spring break then to go home. God led me to the Cumberland Mountains of Tennessee with 20 other H20 Church BG students. It was there where, all that Joe had been saying to me really became apparent. The theme of the week was “Made in His Image” and this was no mistake that God led me here during this theme. I quickly became aware of how much spiritual warfare occurs on breaks like this and boy did I have a lot to fight. Throughout the week we mediated on the verse from Psalm 139:14 ” I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. During my morning quiet times, I just mediated on all of Psalm 139 and verse 24 really stuck with me. In verse 24 it says, “search me God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. This is when I realized that The words and fights in my head about my worthiness is not of Gods but of Satan’s and I had to learn to kick Satan out and tell him no! I am worthy and I have a purpose and so do you! We were all made EXACTLY HOW GOD WANTS US- FLAWS AND ALL! I will be open and honest with you, the thoughts never fully goes away but having your spiritual tool belt filled with scripture, will help you combat Satan’s doing! When I feel unworthy or I feel Satan knocking at my door, I put on my Armor of God like mentioned in Ephesians 6 and I fight with myself, God and my support system on my side! My encouragement to you is to build your tool belt– I am not going to say it is going to be easy but it is easier with God and the friends He has blessed you with! I am overall thankful for my friendship with Joe, who was willing to speak the truth into me and help me build a support circle that has walked through and have helped me grow with all of this and many other storms. God will provide – you just need to put your faith and trust in him! Keep pursuing HIM because finding Joy and freedom is what HE wants for us!!
