As I sit in the bustling Atlanta airport with my 40 some pound pack and my feet resting on my daypack filled with gear, art supplies, peanut butter, and 120+ letters from home, I find myself finally starting to process all that’s happened this weekend.
I’m at a loss for words. Everything around me feels like it’s in slow motion. I’m unnervingly aware of every breath I take. My heartbeat is beating like a bass drum.
Today I board a plane to India.
Last night our squad mentor asked if I was okay. Before I could muster my guarded “I’m fine.” Tears flooded my eyes. I didn’t really have an answer as to why either. I couldn’t put words to the deep ache my heart was experiencing. I think I’ve been avoiding going to those places in my heart for fear the ache would consume me, fear that I would be too weak, fear that giving words to my emotions would make them all too real.
My heart is breaking leaving my people, feeling like I’m abandoning those I love, believing lies that I am letting people down and feeling guilt and shame in leaving. And on the other end, my heart feels like it is pounding in anticipation and pain for what my eyes are about to see.
In Haiti, I saw myself in the flowers on bared wire, broken, growing, and beautiful.
Last night the Lord revealed a picture of my heart as a ratchet, untamed valley of wild flowers. Unapologetically beautiful, wild, diverse, and free.
For too many years I have believed the lie I feel too much, embarrassed by my own heart.
Have you ever been terrified by something the Lord is trying to give you?
I am.
I have seen and felt things over the past month and a half since training camp that have rattled me to my core, visions, passions, aches, all from the Lord. He is offering me His eyes and His heart and I am afraid to lean into that knowing it will hurt.
I don’t want to have the capacity to feel as much as I do. Pain scares me. I would much rather avoid at all cost, but how can I expect to feel the fullness of joy The Kingdom has to offer if I deny the brokenness of this world?
No longer am I holding back.
Lord break my heart for what breaks yours this year. I am unashamed. I am not living in a spirit of fear but one of courage, boldness, and strength. I will lean into every gift you want to give me, and feel everything that you place on my heart FULLY. I am yours and this is your race.
Today I will pick a bouquet from my ratchet wild flower valley, tie it together with a bow, and leave it at the feet of Jesus.
See you soon India!
