I’m not the typical relationship, can’t wait to get married girl. When others are talking about their dresses, ideal honeymoon and dream guy, I’m thinking, I’d rather not go there now. Up until about two years ago, I was very afraid of marriage and didn’t think I would be married. I wanted to protect my heart from getting hurt, so I just counted that out of my life. It’s not that I didn’t want to be in love or be in a relationship, I just didn’t see myself getting married and being happy. I had equated marriage with pain and disappointment. I didn’t want to believe the worst, so I just decided I wouldn’t be excited about something that could never happen.
I have learned over the past couple years and most recently on this race that people will disappoint me and I need to accept that. I will fail them and they will fail me. I will fall in love and fall out of love. I have learned conditional love and all God wants to do is draw me into the unconditional love he has for me. This year I have stopped fighting the possibility of experiencing true, unconditional love. God’s word says that He has lavished his love on us. I believe it, but I also know that I can’t love or experience the love God has for me if I don’t allow myself to get hurt. Jesus was hurt, betrayed, abandoned, denied and lied to. He knew true love, but he knew true pain. I want to be like Him. I’m willing to put myself out there for his sake. He did it for me so why wouldn’t I do it for Him?
He’s asking me to give people the power to hurt me. Intimacy is a catchy, trendy term in this world race community. I’m learning that its requiring more than I’m most of the time willing to give. I’m willing to give when I know I’ll get a positive response or when I am promised love in return. God is taking me to a deeper place of intimacy that requires me trusting him and not man. It requires me pleasing my father and not everyone around me. Intimacy that God is calling me to is risky, undefined and there’s pain. I’ve guarded myself from getting to a place with people where they can hurt me, and I might hurt them. It’s been too risky, because I want to be accepted and I want to be loved.
Through all this processing, praying, failing and believing, I know I’m right where God wants me to be. He’s loving me right where I’m at and its absolutely freeing. He’s calling me to be married to Him, and marriage is commitment. He wants me excited about the journey and not just the event, or the good feelings associated with a wedding. He’s not just preparing me for a day with him, but for a lifetime. He’s seeing beyond a year on the world race, but sees my life serving and loving him. He knows my fears and apprehensions about the future and about commitment, and he cares that I struggle but he has the big picture. He sees beyond my past, struggles, failings and still loves me when I hurt him. I’m safe in his love.
It’s been easy to focus on what I see happening around me, but God is doing something in me that’s going to last. It’s not conditional, its eternal and the character he’s shaping in me isn’t just for me, its for him and me to grow in our relationship. It’s for my relationships with people I know, and those I haven’t met yet. He’s calling me to be married to him, give it all and the promises I can trust are all from Him. He will never disappoint, fail, lie, leave or stop loving me. That’s a ridiculous, radical, life changing love. I’m letting go of my need to be affirmed by people and experiencing the joy of trusting him. I’m experiencing the challenges of intimacy and also the joys. Jesus has patiently waited for me and always forgave me, so I’m trusting he can give me that kind of love for people. He’s been asking me are you ready to commit, and do you want me like I want you? Do you want to marry me? All I have to say is, yes, I’ll marry you Jesus!!!!
This picture has nothing to do with this particular blog, but I wanted to share it with you. I’m dancing and singing for a crowd of Tanzanians that we did a crusade for and it was basically “awesome.” I pretty much was in my element, what can I say?
