I’m sitting here on a concrete slab on the side of our house here in Tanzania. I’m asking, “God, why have you called me to Africa?” If I’m called to be somewhere, wouldn’t I want to be there.? Africa is one of the last places I want to be on any given day and God has called me here for 3 months. In a very short amount of time, I’ve realized there’s not much I like about it. I’ve gone between feeling guilty for my feelings to feeling justified. Africa isn’t for everybody and I’m okay admitting its not for me. When I do journal, I mostly write “I don’t want to be here, I want to leave, show me why you have me here, help me to be present.” I love that I can be honest with God. I love how he’s created me to be attracted to certain places, dreams and challenges.
I’ve seen more poverty, struggles, heartache and pain here in Africa than any place I’ve been. I haven’t seen it just in the Africans, but in my team and my squad. Because we’ve lived here almost 3 months, we’ve become a part of the people’s lives. Their culture, their loss, struggle and pain. You can’t be here and not be affected by it. We go to funerals, pray for the sick, care for the orphan and pray for the oppressed. The countries we’ve stayed in have brought us sleepless nights, sickness, battles, depression, impatience and frustration. I find myself failing more than succeeding. My heart has become hard and unaffected because Africa isn’t a body of water away, its not something I can choose to experience. It’s not new or just a story people tell me about. I’m here and I’m in it. I’m not proud of feeling that way. I think I miss more opportunities than I take. I’m so used to my comforts, the things I want and my needs that I focus inwardly too much. My expectation on myself to never lose hope, always walk in obedience and learn to be content in all circumstances are sometimes too high. God has used Africa to show me how selfish I am. I don’t want to be uncomfortable anymore. I don’t want to be sick, hot, misunderstood and experience the pressure of always having to be “on.” I want my independence, I want to eat foods I like, get in shape and be back in a fast paced lifestyle. I think its hard to admit that I don’t care as much as I thought I would. These are the struggles I’ve been having while here in Africa.
Today my thoughts changed. My prayers became different and my heart began to get softer. Nothing major occured, I just started wanting what He wants for me. I still hold onto my dreams, my wants and needs while God patiently waits for me to come around. He’s allowing me to see through his eyes and still wants to use me even when I feel distant or unconcerned. It’s tough to write about my failings, but I know if my heart is turned towards him, and I seek after him, his desires will be my desires. I may not LOVE Africa, but God does. I have to choose that God can give me love for this place, these people and reveal his perfect plan for me. I have 23 days left here and I don’t want to miss out or be in the of way of God. Please pray that I wouldn’t just endure the last days here, but that I would enjoy them. I do want to make an impact here in a major way. I can only do that with him giving me strength. He’s called me to Africa to make me fully dependent on him. I didn’t sign up for an easy year or ask for an easy life. I want my life to be marked by Godly character, strong convictions and God’s love permeating every part of me.
